Kellyanne Conway Mourns Loss of General Custer at the Bowling Green Massacre

Released from her monthslong confinement to a closet in the West Wing of the White House, Kellyanne Conway took over for Sean Spicer at a daily press briefing in which she addressed her previous comments about the Bowling Green Massacre.

Previously challenged on an event the liberal media said never happened, Conway came forth to set the record straight on her statements regarding the underreported incident she claims took the lives of 268 American soldiers, including their commander, Gen. George Armstrong Custer. Conway, who still holds the title counselor to the president of the United States, promised that the Donald Trump administration would avenge the loss of these brave American soldiers, and ensure that all future perpetrators would be stopped by a yuuuggge wall on the American border with Montana.

Speaking with our newly promoted intern Dave Robicheaux, Conway stated that all soldiers involved in the battle would posthumously receive Purple Hearts.

“This is why we need extreme vetting,” Conway explained. “Individuals like Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse should have never been allowed into this country. These terrorists who made their way into the U.S. under Obummer’s administration are the reason why President Trump has tried to enact these travel bans, for the protection of our natural citizens.”

Speaking from the ninth green of his Mar-a-Lago golf course, Trump stated that he would honor the fallen with a 21-hole salute.

The Donald described the tragedy as another act of terrorism that his executive orders and travel bans were intended to stop.

Robicheaux was able to grab a brief statement from Trump before Secret Service agents quickly handcuffed the intern and put him on a United Airlines flight back to Baton Rouge.

“Thanks to the Democrats and activist judges, 268 American soldiers lost their lives. All of this could have been prevented had Democrats not protected the illegal immigrants who were given sanctuary status at Little Big Horn in Bowling Green,” Trump said.

Speaking from the ninth green of his Mar-a-Lago golf course, Trump stated that he would honor the fallen with a 21-hole salute.

The Donald also promised to consider ordering a missile strike on Bowling Green, KY, after consulting with Steve Bannon, who later slithered off into a nearby pond to join the rest of his family in feasting on a Russian reporter who definitely was not killed by Vladimir Putin.


About Manny Schewitz

Manny Schewitz is a progressive liberal from the Dirty South with a thirst for the truth, humor, and whiskey. He is a co-founder of Progressive Frontier, an avid poker player, and an unapologetic liberal who supports gun regulations. Manny is also on Facebook, and you can follow him on Twitter as well.

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