Report: American Panty Dryness Up 500% Under Trump

Women’s undergarments in the United States haven’t been this dry in over 80 years, according to a report by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration.

The findings released Monday indicate moisture levels in American panties are at an alarmingly low level not seen since the Great Depression.

Female underpants aridness has skyrocketed by 500% since Donald Trump beat former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in the race for the White House, the report shows.

NOAA scientists say this represents the highest level of national panty dryness since the early days of Franklin Roosevelt’s presidency, when the country was in the grips of both an economic and environmental catastrophe.

President Trump’s policies and persona are apparently affecting U.S. panty moisture levels in much the same way wars, depressions, and environmental calamities do.

“In the months and years following the stock market crash of October 29, 1929, as the country fell into the Great Depression, so did moisture levels in women’s undergarments,” NOAA researcher Nick Bond explained. “The economic upheaval and widespread despair of the 1930s caused American vaginas to become parched, causing a panty drought, which led to a period of severe dust storms in the Great Plains known as the Dust Bowl.”

Bond said President Trump’s policies and persona are apparently affecting U.S. panty moisture levels in much the same way wars, depressions, and environmental calamities do.

“One of the hallmarks of President Trump’s campaign and administration is his unpredictability, and while some may view uncertainty as a positive leadership trait, it almost universally has a negative effect on panty wetness,” Bond expounded. “When you combine that with the media’s blanket coverage of an overweight, bombastic, 70-year-old egomaniac with the world’s most notorious combover, a penchant for bragging about grabbing women’s genitalia with impunity, and access to the country’s entire nuclear arsenal, it’s little wonder panties are becoming desiccated.”

He continued by describing Trump as the “anti-Pavlov,” a reference to the Russian physiologist best known for training dogs to salivate in response to the ringing of a bell.

“Instead of making dogs drool, he’s drying up pussies,” Bond maintained, adding, “If this trend continues, we could be headed for another devastating panty drought, not unlike the kind we experienced during the ’30s.”

By comparison, on average during the Obama administration, women’s underwear had moisture levels that are considered healthy and conducive to activities related to human procreation, according to the study. Bond said researchers attribute that fact to the 44th president’s appearance and calm demeanor, as well as his dulcet, baritone voice.

 

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