Raiders’ New Las Vegas Stadium to Feature Brothel Suites

When the NFL’s Raiders begin playing in their new Sin City stadium, it will feature a half-dozen luxury suites where fans can enjoy the company of prostitutes during games, according to team officials.

The proposed $1.9 billion domed facility slated to open in 2020 will include a grass playing surface, a seating capacity of 65,000, and six 250-square-foot suites equipped with king-size beds and various sex-related accessories, Raiders spokesman Will Kiss said.

For $1,500 per hour, spectators will be able to rent a suite, where they can spend time with professional escorts from area brothels and companion agencies, according to Kiss. The hourly price tag only covers the use of the suite and any furnishings, such as sex slings, but does not include sex worker fees or refreshments.

Kiss’ revelation about the brothel suites came just days after NFL owners nearly unanimously approved the franchise’s relocation from Oakland, CA, to Las Vegas.

“Even if the Raiders don’t score, you can in our exclusive sex suites! And remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas — except, of course, the STDs.”

“The idea for the sex suites came to us after the owners voted,” Kiss explained. “We, like, totally didn’t realize prostitution was legal in Nevada before that. And after discovering it is legal there, we asked our design firm MANICA Architecture to include specialized amenities.”

Kiss emphasized the team did not intentionally withhold the plan for the suites from the league in order to avoid possible backlash prior to the vote.

“We would never do anything like hide plans for sex suites in our new stadium,” he insisted. “The Raiders have always put the concerns of the league first.”

In addition to creating additional revenue for the team, Kiss maintained the suites will allow fans to do something exciting even if the game on the field is not.

“Even if the Raiders don’t score, you can in our exclusive sex suites!” Kiss added. “And remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas — except, of course, the STDs.”

However, in referencing a popular nickname for the Raiders’ current home stadium of Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum, Kiss did admit one drawback to the brothel suites will be the potential for innumerable “black hole” jokes.

 

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