Sources: CIA Weaponizing Melania Trump’s Gaze

While the White House insists the first lady is living in New York, Melania Trump actually has been housed for the past several weeks in a top-secret location where scientists with the Central Intelligence Agency are studying ways to transform her arresting visage into a lethal instrument, according to high-level officials within the intelligence community.

Multiple sources confirm Trump, who has rarely been seen in public since her husband’s inauguration, is the subject of a potentially revolutionary, highly classified program aimed at weaponizing the former model’s famously piercing glare.

Contrary to official reports from his administration, President Donald Trump’s wife is not living in Trump Tower with her son, Baron, but rather is sequestered away at a CIA “black site” undergoing vigorous, unorthodox experiments.

“The CIA has the real Melania completely off the grid in a covert laboratory somewhere, trying to turn her gaze into an organic, untraceable means of killing people,” said one intelligence official who spoke on condition of anonymity. “This would take political assassinations to whole new level. Have you ever heard the expression ‘if looks could kill’? They may soon literally do so.”

A second senior member of the intelligence community said the clandestine program, dubbed Project Blue Steel, is similar to one conducted by the U.S. Army in the late 1970s and early 1980s, examined in a 2004 nonfiction book by Jon Ronson.

“This would take political assassinations to whole new level. Have you ever heard the expression ‘if looks could kill’? They may soon literally do so.”

“Have you ever read The Men Who Stare at Goats? Not that bullshit movie with George Clooney, but the book it was supposedly based on,” he asked. “It’s kind of like that, except instead of training special forces soldiers to use New Age philosophy and psychic powers to make a goat’s heart stop beating just by looking at it, the CIA is using real science to try to make a human’s heart stop beating with nothing more than a strikingly beautiful woman’s trademark intense stare.”

Meanwhile, in order to avoid arousing suspicion about Trump’s welfare, a third anonymous official insists the CIA has employed a look-alike to impersonate the first lady while she is being studied.

“If you see someone who looks like Mrs. Trump, surrounded by Secret Service agents going in and out of Trump Tower, that’s a double,” the unnamed official maintained. “In fact, I’ve heard rumors it may be adult film star Madison Ivy. Lord knows, she’s a serious doppleganger.”

As for whether President Trump is aware of his wife’s true whereabouts and/or the project of which she is the focus, the official said it’s doubtful.

“This is something the CIA probably wouldn’t want the president to know about, just in case they decide he’s about to do irreparable damage to the country,” he added. “I’m not saying they would use it on him, but you have to admit, an overweight, 70-year-old guy who eats lots of fast food dying of a heart attack during sex sounds pretty plausible.”


About Tony Swartz

Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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