Taking a cue from Rotten Tomatoes, Netflix, and the Roman Colosseum, the latest congressional health care bill would replace detailed analysis of a patient’s condition with a much simpler thumbs-up/thumbs-down diagnosis.
“We find patients take bad news better if we don’t go into the particulars of their diagnosis,” American Medical Association representative Margery Kost said. “Plus, it’s so much easier to tell a patient he has cancer by frowning and disapprovingly sticking out a thumb.”
This new grading scale will alleviate much of the heart-wrenching hand-holding and attempts at comforting patients that rip at the very soul of medical personnel, thus engendering a far less stressful relationship with their clientele.
“I have spent hours trying to figure out the right thing to say to someone who has a fatal heart condition,” Kost recalled. “Now all I have to do is unfollow them. They’ll get the hint.”
A separate “audience score” also will be curated from third parties putting in their two cents for each diagnosis.
Plans are already in place to use the thumbs for second opinions by creating a site for numerous medical professionals to give their approval/disapproval on the assessments of the health of ailing Americans.
“We are also looking at creating separate percentage grades based on the doctor’s reputation,” Kost explained. “That way, patients and their loved ones know what doctors and the ‘top doctors’ think of a prognosis.”
In order not to run afoul of doctor-patient confidentiality regulations, all of the data will be gathered from other social media platforms, where all information is voluntarily published by each individual.
“When people consistently post about what they eat and what they’re doing, that’s all we need to know if they’re going to die,” Kost stated.
A separate “audience score” also will be curated from third parties putting in their two cents for each diagnosis. Those individuals receiving a thumbs-up score of at least 60% — known as a “fresh” rating — will be eligible for health insurance discounts and tax breaks. Patients who garner a “rotten” grade (below 60%) will be forced to attend seminars to raise their scores.
“We want patients to care about what they are doing to their body,” Kost insisted, “and if that takes tons of people with nothing better to do shaming them into feeling bad about themselves, then so be it.”