The heavily marked-down eternal soul of President Donald Trump’s press secretary is available for purchase at a secondhand store in a Washington, D.C., suburb.
White House spokesman Sean Spicer’s élan vital is sitting on a shelf labeled “70% off” at the Value Village thrift superstore in Silver Springs, MD, where it reportedly has been largely ignored by shoppers.
“We’ve had this thing in here since some creepy-looking guy calling himself Louis Cyphre donated it months ago,” Value Village manager Clyde Harrington said. “He said he legitimately bought it from Sean Spicer but then soon regretted the purchase. He said it was annoying the hell out of him, so he decided to get rid of it.”
Harrington recalls Cyphre sharing that, normally, he would have simply thrown Spicer’s soul in the trash, but because he had made a New Year’s resolution to be more environmentally conscious, he chose to try to recycle it.
“I wasn’t sure what to charge. It’s been years since we’ve had a Republican soul to resell. So I settled on $45 since it previously belonged to the official spokesman for the 45th president. Obviously, I was highballing it.”
In the months Spicer’s soul has been for sale in the store, Harrington says, he and his staff can’t recall a single customer showing even the faintest amount of interest in buying it, which is why he’s taken 70% off from the original price tag of $45.
“When we first got it, I wasn’t sure what to charge. It’s been years since we’ve had a Republican soul to resell,” Harrington explained. “So I settled on $45 since it previously belonged to the official spokesman for the 45th president. Obviously, I was highballing it.”
While Value Village’s website claims the thrift store chain is “a purpose-driven company that works to create good through the power of reuse,” Harrington stated that he won’t be able to justify keeping Spicer’s soul on the shelf for much longer if it continues to be neglected by customers.
“We try hard to repurpose goods people no longer want or need, and try to keep whatever we can from going into landfills,” Harrington added. “But if this thing keeps collecting dust, we’re eventually going to have to toss it in the trash to make room for something someone will actually want.”