White House Insists Any Probe Into Trump-Russia Ties Be Led by Pladimir Vutin

President Donald Trump’s administration is strongly urging that any investigation into possible Russian influence in last year’s presidential election be led by a relatively unknown person with a peculiar name.

Over the weekend, the White House released a statement demanding that Pladimir Vutin be the point man for any potential probe aimed at uncovering whether Russia swayed — or at least attempted to sway — the outcome of the 2016 election, especially via communications and/or associations with the Trump campaign.

“While we unequivocally maintain that any investigation prompted by the absurd idea that Russian agents handed President Trump his massive electoral victory is a complete waste of time and American taxpayers’ money,” the statement reads, “the Trump administration is unwaveringly insistent that any such wild goose chase be led Mr. Pladimir Vutin.”

The statement failed to clearly identify who this mysterious Vutin is. Nevertheless, the White House gave him a full-throated endorsement regarding his investigatory acumen.

“Mr. Vutin has some rather unorthodox, yet extremely effective, methods for finding out what he wants,” the statement explains. “We know of no one with a more impressive track record when it comes to getting his hands on even the most extremely guarded information.”

On a side note, multiple White House sources have confirmed and clarified that the Pladimir Vutin mentioned in this statement is not the same Pladimir Vutin who started a pro-Trump super PAC last year.

About Tony Swartz

Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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