Popeye’s Fans Excited to Discover How Burger King Will Totally Screw It Up

Loyal customers of Popeye’s Louisiana Kitchen are eager to find out how the fast-food chain’s new owners will completely ruin one of their favorite eateries.

Burger King’s parent company, Restaurant Brands International, announced a deal to purchase the right to debauch Popeye’s for $1.8 billion. The move spurred widespread speculation about how the same people responsible for a creepy mascot and culinary abortions like the Whopperito and chicken fries will manage to absolutely fuck things up at the popular fried chicken chain founded by the late, eccentric New Orleanian Al Copeland.

Citing past dietary oddities offered by Burger King, some Popeye’s regulars anticipate the menu will undergo drastic, less-than-appetizing changes.

“I can’t wait to see how they screw up Popeye’s,” Baton Rouge resident Ronnie Harper stated between bites of his spicy two-piece meal at the Mid-City Popeye’s. “I’ve never seen anyone put Doritos on a shrimp po-boy before, but if anybody’s going to do it, it’s the folks at Burger King.”

“Five dollars says they come out with Cajun rice and mashed potatoes covered in Cheeto dust. Ten dollars says they make a biscuit stuffed with macaroni and cheese.”

Harper, who said he’s eaten at Popeye’s at least twice a week for the past 15 years, added, “Five dollars says they come out with Cajun rice and mashed potatoes covered in Cheeto dust. Ten dollars says they make a biscuit stuffed with macaroni and cheese.”

Meanwhile, others speculate the certain ruination of the Louisiana institution will be more subtle. More specifically, they expect Popeye’s recipes to be altered to appeal to a broader, flavor-averse clientele.

“I’m excited to find out how bland they’ll make the spicy chicken. My guess is it’ll have less kick than the mild does now,” predicted marketing strategist and admitted “Popeye’s addict” Liz Cofield. “I also suspect the new owners will find the red beans and rice way too savory and creamy for the typical fast-food consumer.”

Additionally, Cofield foresees RBI ultimately replacing Popeye’s Cajun fries with “focus-group fries” and increasing the inaccuracy rate of the restaurant’s drive-thru orders by at least 50% in the first year.

 

About Tony Swartz

Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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