Trump Seeks Advice From Golf Caddie on Club Selection, Classified Intelligence

While golfing at one of his courses in South Florida, President Donald Trump conferred with his caddie regarding an upcoming shot and classified intelligence.

Trump consulted 29-year-old Daniel Sholar, who was caddying for the president during a recent outing, on the 15th hole of the Trump International Golf Club in West Palm Beach, near the commander-in-chief’s Mar-a-Lago estate. Trump sought his employee’s input on how to proceed with his second shot — and newly acquired confidential intelligence on North Korea’s nuclear missile program — in the middle of the fairway of the 474-yard, par 5 hole featuring a slight right dogleg.

“He had driven a beautiful tee shot about 250 yards right down the middle, leaving him about 215 yards from the front edge of the green,” Sholar recalled. “He wasn’t sure if he should go for the green in two, or lay up short, which is not an easy task on that hole, seeing that there’s such a narrow bottleneck for a good 40 yards leading up to the green.

“So while we’re debating which club he should use — he decided to go for the green — he whipped out some papers that had ‘confidential’ stamped in red at the top and asked me what I thought he should do about North Korea.”

“Am I even allowed to look at these papers? Do I need to worry about, like, the CIA taking me out with a drone or something now that I’ve seen them?”

Sholar said he insisted in vain to the president that he was qualified to advise him only on his golf game, not on a national security matter involving a nuclear-capable rogue state led by a possibly mentally unstable cult of personality.

“I was like, ‘Don’t you have, like, generals and whatnot who know about this kind of stuff, who have, I don’t know, permission or clearance or something to look at this?'” Sholar stated. “I asked him, ‘Am I even allowed to look at these papers? Do I need to worry about, like, the CIA taking me out with a drone or something now that I’ve seen them?'”

Sholar, who’s worked as a caddie at the club since he was in high school, said Trump tried to reassure him that he indeed has a future.

“He told me I could become the next Daniel Scavino, whoever that it is,” stated Sholar, apparently unaware of the man who went from being Trump’s 16-year-old caddie to the director of social media for the alleged billionaire’s presidential campaign.

When asked for comment on the apparent breach of security protocol, Trump defiantly defended his decision to seek his caddie’s counsel on a classified foreign policy issue.

“Daniel is a very smart, very loyal young man,” Trump maintained. “He’s caddied for me every time I’ve golfed at my club for five years now, and he’s never given me bad advice. Not once.”


About Tony Swartz

Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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