Frederick Douglass: Hero at Bowling Green

On the 28th of January, the blustery final day of an unseasonably cold month, an American hero stood up against Hans Gruber and his band of terrorists at the Bowling Green Nakamichi Tower, cementing Frederick Douglass’ place in American history.

Previously known for being a founding member of the Tuskegee Airmen, as well as the inventor of the cotton gin and peanut butter, Douglass’ heroism truly defies the imagination.

FBI reports show that the terrorists who seized the tower were German mercenaries masquerading as radical Islamic terrorists masquerading as Syrian refugees. They were led by Gruber, a mastermind said to resemble the fictional character Severus Snape.

If not for Douglass managing to overpower several of the attackers and turning their own weapons against them, this bloody day in American ass-kicking history may have turned out very differently, indeed.

Douglass, who once beat Gen. Robert E. Lee at arm wrestling, is unsure what he’ll do next.

Douglass, who gained notoriety for refusing to give up his seat on the bus to an elderly woman, plans a victory parade soon in Selma, AL, a city best-known as the setting for the film Fried Green Tomatoes.

A shy man, Douglass appears intent on using his fame to publicize the plight of the deaf, dumb, and blind — a cause that first became dear to him after he helped a young woman, Helen Keller, overcome dyslexia. As Douglass explains it, “Dyslexia sucks. It was tough for Helen to, like, read and shit. But humor helped. I always told her, ‘Hey, at least you’re not deaf, dumb, and blind.’ She always got a giggle out of that.”

Douglass, who once beat Gen. Robert E. Lee at arm wrestling, is unsure what he’ll do next.

“Maybe I’ll run for vice president. I really haven’t decided.”


About Jared Kendall

A freelance data journalist and father of two, Jared Kendall has been using comedy as a coping mechanism his entire life. Born a Yankee, Jared's twenty-year stint in Baton Rouge still leaves him with one question: "Why'd I move here, again?"

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