GUEST COLUMN: “Being a U.S. Senator Completely Fulfills Me in Every Way Imaginable” — John Kennedy

Off the WireIt took two party affiliations and three campaigns against three different opponents, but I finally made it. I am, at long last, a United States senator, and boy, does it feel dreamy.

I’ll be honest: I was worried it might not be all what it’s cracked up to be. I was like, “What if it’s a let-down after working so hard to get there?”

Well, let me tell you: Being a U.S. senator completely fulfills me in every way imaginable. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. You name it.

Now, I know some folks will say, “But what about your family? What about your faith? Being senator couldn’t be more fulfilling than having a loving, supportive family and serving a powerful, forgiving God. Right?”

Wrong! Have you ever been a U.S. senator? If not, you have no idea what it’s like!

Do you have any idea what it’s like to be able to look lovingly at Jeff Sessions and bat my brown, puppy dog eyes at him in admiration while telling him how awesome he is?

Seriously, it’s hard to describe how incredibly euphoric it is being a part of the upper house of the legislative branch of the federal government of the most powerful country on Earth. I’ve heard people talk about how they feel when the Holy Spirit takes over their bodies when they speak in tongues, or how people who go to Burning Man feel like they are one with the entire universe. It’s like that all the time for me now that I’m a U.S. senator.

Remember that movie Star Trek: Generations, the one with Captains Picard and Kirk? They had the Nexus, an extra-dimensional realm where everything was so perfect and fulfilling that you never wanted to leave. Remember? Whoopi Goldberg’s character Guinan described it like this: “It was like being inside joy. As if joy were something tangible, and you could wrap yourself up in it like a blanket.”

That! That right there! That is exactly how being in the U.S. Senate is!

No wonder no one ever wants to leave this place! It’s like being in the Nexus, except you don’t have to blow up a sun to get in! But even if you did need to destroy an entire solar system to be elected, it would absolutely be worth the effort and sacrifice.

To be afforded the opportunity to sit in on the committee confirmation hearings for our next attorney general is the kind of stuff I had wet dreams about when I was just a boy growing up in Zachary. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be able to look lovingly at Jeff Sessions and bat my brown, puppy dog eyes at him in admiration while telling him how awesome he is? And then to have him smile and nod back at me? My God, it’s like I’ve died and gone to heaven.

To quote Josh Groban, “I am filled with wonder. Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.”

 

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