Trump Strategist Steve Bannon: “The Press Needs to Shut Up, Blow Me, and Make Me a Sandwich”

The American press should be quiet, fellate Steve Bannon, and prepare him a tasty sandwich, President Donald Trump’s chief strategist told The New York Times in an interview via telephone Wednesday.

“Where do you bitches in the press get the idea you can just come around here in the White House and ask questions instead of sucking my dick and getting me something to eat?” an agitated Bannon asked the Times editors over the phone. “Seriously, what makes you think you have the right to freely report what you want instead of blindly writing what we tell you, all without the common courtesy of servicing me and feeding me?”

Bannon, who ran the self-described alt-right website Breitbart News before joining Trump’s campaign in August, said the press should be “embarrassed and humiliated for being so blatantly disrespectful and insubordinate” to him.

When a member of the Times editorial board tried to ask Bannon a question, Bannon cut him off, interjecting, “Less talky-talky. More sucky-sucky.”

“The press needs to shut up, blow me, and make me a sandwich. You think some woman will freely do that for me? Look at me! I’m obviously horny and hungry,” Bannon explained. “Quit all your yapping and use your mouth for something worthwhile, namely, sucking my dick. Then get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich. Or, better yet, fix me a sandwich and then bring it to me so I can eat it while you suck me off.”

When a member of the Times editorial board tried to ask Bannon a question, Bannon cut him off, interjecting, “Less talky-talky. More sucky-sucky.”

Bannon later clarified the repercussions members of the media might expect if they fail to perform oral sex on him and prepare his sandwiches to his liking.

“They better do it right, or I’m going to backhand them like I didn’t do to my bitch of an ex-wife in 1996,” Bannon added. “I swear to God, if Sean Hannity gives me another toothy blow job, I’ll punch him in that smarmy face of his. My dick is almost as raw as that steak he cooked for me last night.”


About Tony Swartz

Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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