GUEST COLUMN: “For What It’s Worth, Torture Is Fucking Awesome” — Dick Cheney

Off the WireIn a recent interview with ABC News, President Donald Trump confirmed he is willing to allow the CIA and other intelligence agencies to employ enhanced interrogation techniques to extract information from those who threaten our national security.

If you recall, this issue stems directly from my tenure as vice president and the practices our administration used during the United States’ invasion of Iraq and Afghanistan. Critics and ideological weaklings were all too quick to rename these interrogation techniques as “torture.” Their goal was a transparent attempt to vilify me, President George W. Bush, and anyone in the intelligence community who dared try to defend America against her enemies.Ultimately, it was decided that we should not use those techniques.

In the decade or so since then, I honestly don’t know if causing pain to another human being is an effective way of getting accurate, reliable information. But I do know that, for what it’s worth, torture is fucking awesome.

Anyone who says they’re against torture has likely never heard grown men wail as power courses through the electrodes clipped to their testicles. Anyone who opposes torture likely has never watched a woman’s horrific reaction once she is threatened with being forced to watch her own children being raped in front of her.

Anyone who says they’re against torture has likely never heard grown men wail as power courses through the electrodes clipped to their testicles.

Who cares if those threats are carried out? I mean, the idea alone is so fucked up, you don’t even have to do it. You can just say it over and over again, and hold up pictures of their children. Once again, it’s simply awesome.

I’ll tell you what else is cool as shit: driving around in a windowless van with a crew of well-trained, tweaked-out guys in ski masks who jump out and bum rush some defenseless, unsuspecting jerkoff. Once that bastard is blindfolded, handcuffed, and smacked around a little, you realize why torture was invented.

Are these methods ethically and morally questionable? Perhaps. I’ll leave it to history to judge those of us forced into using tactics that others call torture.

One thing is clear, however: If those judges ever have the opportunity to tie someone down and force water into their lungs in a simulated drowning, I have no doubt they’ll vote in our favor.

God Bless America.

 

About Off the Wire Guest Columnist

Check Also

Cortana Mall to Be Taken Off Life Support

Doctors at Our Lady of Lake Hospital sadly report a former major shopping venue will soon be taken off life support.