Jeff Landry Pisses on Political Opponents, Claims He’s Just Marking His Territory

Off the WireLouisiana Attorney General Jeff Landry maintains he is simply claiming his political territory by urinating on high-profile Democrats and their traditionally held ground.

In his first year in office, the Republican has repeatedly pissed on Gov. John Bel Edwards and his executive order aimed at protecting gay, lesbian, and transgender workers from discrimination by administration contractors.

While previous governors have issued similar orders with no problem, Landry took a drenching leak on the first-term Democrat and his order by refusing to sign off on the requisite legal contracts, despite the fact a memo issued by Landry’s office said his duty was simply to review the contracts for attorney qualifications and arrangements.

The former police officer also has recently pissed all over New Orleans Mayor Mitch Landrieu, as well as the city itself and its police department. Landry took the giant whiz by unilaterally forming an uninvited task force, which has reportedly engaged in high-speed pursuits, to allegedly fight crime in the Crescent City.

“I will piss on and growl at what and who I please to remind everyone this is my domain and I’m the big dog around here. This state is my territory! Mine! So back off!”

Additionally, the former congressman sprayed his waste by calling New Orleans “more dangerous than Chicago,” while blaming Landrieu and the NOPD for being soft on crime.

“What kind of balls does it take for the attorney general to think he can just roam around the city with his pack of agents and just piss all over the place by arresting people without any coordination with NOPD or State Police?” Landrieu asked. “His aggression is putting the lives of my police officers and state troopers at risk. Somebody needs to put a leash on him, or better yet, get him neutered.”

Landry insists he is simply discharging his duties and his excrement to protect the state and its citizens.

“The people chose me to keep this state safe, and New Orleans is still in the state of Louisiana last time I checked, so I will piss on and growl at what and who I please to remind everyone this is my domain and I’m the big dog around here,” Landry barked at reporters on Tuesday. “I’ll also arrest people I think pose a threat to my master, the people of the great state of Louisiana. This state is my territory! Mine! So back off!”

Landry further defended his very public serial urinations by saying, “I don’t see why people are making such a big deal about this. People piss all over the French Quarter all the time. Besides, if golden showers are good enough for Donald Trump, marking my rightful territory is good enough for me.”

Political observers, like LaPolitics’ Jeremy Alford, say Landry is prolifically pissing on people and institutions in order to create a perception of dominance in the hopes of getting a leg up on potential threats to his political ambitions, namely, beating Edwards in 2019.

“Landry wants to be in the Governor’s Mansion, which is why he keeps pissing on Edwards,” Alford explained. “He seems to think if he just keeps pissing on Edwards and his administration, the governor will eventually get tired of it and cede his territory to Landry.”

Landry is prolifically pissing on people and institutions in order to create a perception of dominance in the hopes of getting a leg up on potential threats to his political ambitions.

The state’s top lawyer, who has reportedly been eating an inordinate amount of asparagus, also has employed the hashtag #MakeNewOrleansSafeAgain in social media posts to publicly preen about the handful of arrests made by his task force. Of the 16 collars Landry’s kennel made in the last quarter of 2016, four were for marijuana possession, which Landrieu cited to question Landry’s alpha status.

“Wow, 16 whole arrests in three months? Well, whoop-de-freakin-doo! Stop the goddam presses and send out a news alert that New Orleans is crime-free now!” Landrieu stated. “And how brave of Landry and his team to take down those big, bad men who are making New Orleans more dangerous than Chicago with a couple ounces of weed.”

Landrieu then described Landry as being “a little yappy AG who is all bark and piss with no real bite” and who isn’t protecting anything but his own political aspirations.

He also brought up a 1993 incident in which Landry — who at the time was a deputy with the St. Landry Parish Sheriff’s Office — was living in a St. Martinville house when his roommate was arrested by police after they found 100 grams of cocaine stashed under the residence.

“Landry says he’s all about rooting out crime. Well, too bad he couldn’t sniff out that $10,000 worth of cocaine that was literally under his nose when he was a cop,” Landrieu added. “Then again, based on his recent actions, he was probably too busy licking his own balls.”

 

About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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