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Authorities on High Alert After Spate of Weirder-Than-Usual Behavior by Bobby Jindal

BATON ROUGE — With nearly every position in the Trump administration now filled — including pool boy, spray-tan applier, and reverse cowgirl — a distraught Bobby Jindal has recently been seen nervously pacing the grounds of his mini-mansion at the University Club Plantation.

The Red Shtick has received reports that residents of the gated community have made a number of calls to the security desk complaining about a disheveled and disturbed man going door to door, asking if they had accidentally received a letter from Donald Trump addressed to Bobby Jindal, Piyush Jindal, or perhaps even Apu Nahasapeemapetilon.

According to a family member who is deeply concerned about Jindal’s well-being, the former two-term Republican governor obsessively checks his text messages, as well as his Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn accounts, every 15 minutes. He even reportedly sent a messenger pigeon to Washington, D.C., to see if anyone wanted his executive expertise for any spot in the Trump administration.

Higgins, a former deputy with the St. Landry Parish Sheriff’s Office, has reportedly failed to reply to Jindal’s numerous text messages and LinkedIn requests.

Reports also indicate Jindal has purchased cowboy hats and a 1911 Kimber .45 handgun, which he apparently wears while posing in front of a mirror, in order to emulate recently elected 3rd District Congressman Clay Higgins.

Higgins, a former deputy with the St. Landry Parish Sheriff’s Office, has reportedly failed to reply to Jindal’s numerous text messages and LinkedIn requests.

Jindal was last publicly seen giving “Drain the Swamp” speeches to small gatherings of ducks that had showed up for the free bread he was scattering, according to his neighbors. Reports also suggest a nutria rat had tried to force his way into the event, but Jindal quickly ensured that it was removed with a swift “GET HIM OUTTA HERE.”

We will update this story as it unfolds.

 

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About Manny Schewitz

Manny Schewitz is a progressive liberal from the Dirty South with a thirst for the truth, humor, and whiskey. He is a co-founder of Modern Liberals, an avid poker player, and an unapologetic liberal who supports gun regulations. Manny is also on Facebook, and you can follow him on Twitter as well.

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