Santa held an emergency press conference today at his isolated North Pole compound to address rumors that his infamous “naughty/nice” list had been compromised by Russian hackers.
“Working with a crack team of elf security experts, we’ve been able to establish conclusively that the naughty list hack was launched by Russian state actors,” Santa said. “My elves were able to identify numerous line-item modifications made to the list, including shifting Putin from ‘naughty’ to ‘nice.’”
Contrary to reports on Fox News that the hack was limited to “partial downloading,” Santa confirmed the list content was compromised and modified, and that this included the less well-known wish list.
“We even found a number of dissidents in Russia whose wish list entries had been modified so that their new dream present was polonium,” Santa said. “According to my experts, that stuff’ll kill you! Much worse than coal. We believe changes to the wish list came at the same time that the hackers were modifying my naughty and nice database.”
“We even found a number of dissidents in Russia whose wish list entries had been modified so that their new dream present was polonium.”
Santa announced plans to “roll back” both lists to an earlier state.
“Sadly, the rollback means that a lot of last-minute good behavior is going to be wiped from the records,” Santa said. “Worse yet, plenty of Elf-on-the-Shelf and Gnome-in-the-Toilet spy reports from the past week are going to have to be discarded, as well.
“Last-minute bad behavior used to pretty much guarantee you coal in your stocking. This year? Naughty little bastards the world over might be getting perfectly good toys while deserving kids get a big ol’ ‘eff-you’ from yours truly. That’s not right. If anything, that’s ho-ho-horrible.”