Trump Looking Forward to Reaching Out to Putin, Putin’s Nutsack

Off the WireAfter years of icy diplomatic ties between the United States and Russia, President-elect Donald Trump has expressed a strong desire to establish a much warmer relationship with Russian President Vladimir Putin and Putin’s scrotum.

The real estate mogul insisted earlier this week that it’s time for the U.S. to actively work to improve relations with Russia, and he is determined to do so by reaching out to the country’s notorious leader, as well as his nutsack.

“The Obama administration has repeatedly tried to kick Putin in his silky-smooth, slightly salty balls,” Trump explained to reporters gathered Tuesday at Trump Tower. “It’s time America reached out to Putin and his testicles with a friendly, caressing hand.”

Trump insisted his administration will work toward being friendlier with Russia by easing economic sanctions while maintaining a somewhat firm, yet pleasurable, grip on Putin’s gonads.

“I’m a master negotiator, so I won’t have any trouble negotiating my way around every nook and cranny of Putin’s genitals.”

When reporters questioned his lack of experience in foreign affairs and his ability to bring Russia and the U.S. closer together, the Republican president-elect showed off and cited his well-manicured hands.

“Look, I’m a master negotiator, so I won’t have any trouble negotiating my way around every nook and cranny of Putin’s genitals,” Trump maintained.

He added that his hands are strong, yet supple, enough to smooth out nearly any bump he may encounter, as well as overcome any inhibition Putin might have toward getting cozy with Trump and his administration.

Trump also stated his commitment to establishing and maintaining a close bond with Russia has been a top priority during deliberations for possible Cabinet picks.

“I want to make sure my national security adviser and secretary of state are totally on board with being absolutely approachable to Putin and his tremendous balls, which is why I picked Gen. Michael Flynn and Rex Tillerson for those positions,” Trump stated.


About Tony Swartz

Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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