Trump Threatens Santa Claus With Trade Embargo

Off the WireWith the official start of his presidency still weeks away, Donald Trump came out swinging at the greatest hero of American holidays.

“Santa, you’re old, you’re fat, you can’t keep giving presents to everyone, stick with America and dump those loser countries,” the president-elect tweeted to mixed reactions on Wednesday.

When asked to clarify his intentions, Trump responded, “America should be the only country with presents. Everyone knows we have the best milk and cookies. Have you ever eaten a dessert from a Vietnamese restaurant?”

There has been no official press release from the North Pole, considering this is the busiest time of year for Kris Kringle and his organization, but that hasn’t stopped Trump supporters.

Thousands of angry tweets have been sent to Tim Allen, thus prompting the star of The Santa Clause film series to shut down his Twitter account.

In an effort to lash out at anyone they can, thousands of angry tweets have been sent to Tim Allen, thus prompting the star of The Santa Clause film series to shut down his Twitter account and distance himself from the persona most people lovingly associate with him.

Billy Bob Thornton has been unaffected so far.

While bringing toys exclusively to American children would certainly reduce pressure on Santa, who normally delivers worldwide in under a day, children fear Trump’s actions could move the USA to the naughty list.

“Not going to happen,” Trump replied. “If Santa plays hardball, I can do it myself.”

Plans are already in place for a replacement sleigh to be pulled by two of Trump’s private jets, filled with vouchers good for a one-night stay at any Trump hotel with the purchase of three nights.

“We don’t need you anymore, Santa, HO-HO-HO, how hard is that?” the president-elect tweeted earlier this morning.

When asked if he would stop Santa from delivering presents in America, Trump responded, “America will stop Santa from ruining Trump-mas 2016. I will call upon all Americans to fire their guns, rockets, and any heat-seeking sleigh smashers on December 24, starting at 9 p.m. We’re ready for you, fat man!”RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

 

About Robert Rau

Considered a poor man's Pat Sajak, Robert is a mild mannered state employee by day, entertainer by night.

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