Its whereabouts have long been a closely guarded secret; the reason for its existence, a mystery; its curriculum unknown to all but those few with the security credentials required to possess the nuclear codes.
Yet every four years, the future of America, and indeed all of the free world, is placed in its hands. I’m referring, of course, to the Electoral College.
Little is known about this ancient institution, as well as the reason for its existence, aside that it has consistently been voted among Playboy’s “Top 10 Party Schools of America.”
Despite its reputation for partying and alcoholic excess, the framers of our Constitution placed the selection of our president in its hands, rather than in the hands of the voters, who they wisely considered to be a bunch of ignoramuses. Indeed, during the constitutional convention, much debate was given to putting the selection process in the hands of someone who could be trusted to be unaffected by prejudice or political partisanship, but eventually the idea of using a chimpanzee was dropped.
As the 2016 presidential campaign progressed, political experts correctly pinned the Electoral College Class of 2017 as one “badass class.” And, as if to bear this out, the seniors, in their first binge-drinking session of the fall semester, pledged to vote against any candidate who won the popular vote.
Thus, Donald Trump’s allegations during the campaign that the system was “rigged” — which seemed to be a reckless and irresponsible attack on our democratic process — were, in fact, completely accurate. Trump, on the advice of his political consultants who feared that he might win the popular vote, subsequently went on a binge of obnoxious and erratic behavior to convince a majority of the voters that he was unfit for office, thus ensuring an ingenious and historic Electoral College victory for the Republican nominee.