NOVEMBER HORRORSCOPES: Thankfully Redirected Conversations

HorrorscopesThis year has sucked a barrel of fermented porpoise buttholes. The good news, Red Shtickers, is it’s November, so we’re almost done! Bad news is Thanksgiving Day is upon us, which means that particular relative of yours is going to start some political grousing at the table, despite the fact we should all be thankful the stupid election is over so we can all hate the same person together. As Americans.

To help get you through Thanksgiving dinner without all the drama, here are some custom-made, nonpolitical conversation starters.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): “How many rabid Chihuahuas do you think you could take out with a snow shovel before they overwhelmed you?”

CAPRICORN (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): “If we’re ever able to connect our brains together and share the entirety of our life experiences with one another, do you think the instantaneous experience of their life will justify their porn habits for you?”

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 20): “So, we’re cousins. That means, if you touch my genitals underneath the table, it wouldn’t really be gay. Right?”


AQUARIUS (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): “Did you see how much mashed potatoes grandma ate? What do you think the odds are that she’s pregnant?”

PISCES (Feb. 20-Mar. 20): “How many peas do you think you could get away with putting in your mouth and then dribbling onto your plate before someone gets mad?”

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 20): “So, we’re cousins. That means, if you touch my genitals underneath the table, it wouldn’t really be gay. Right?”

TAURUS (Apr. 21-May 21): “Everyone knows the Pilgrims and Indians didn’t just have turkey at the first Thanksgiving, but did you know that at the Jamestown Thanksgiving in 1609 they ate human because of the severe winter famine? Do you think that’s why Woodstock is so cool with eating turkey in the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special?”

GEMINI (May 22-June 21): Without saying a word, start tapping the “boop boop” from Soft Cell’s “Tainted Love” and see how long it takes to get everyone singing.

CANCER (June 22-July 22): “How many of the foods on the table do you think you can fit in your butt? Do you think you could get your whole plate full of food up there? Then why did you put so much food on it? You know where this is all going, right?”

LEO (July 23-Aug. 21): “Which member of our family do you think has had the most orgasms? The loudest? The most recent? What do you think this says about you as a person?”

VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 23): “Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence is the greatest threat to mankind’s future. I just hope they don’t make them so smart that they won’t have sex with me. Do you think you’d have to bring your own washable vaginal insert to that kind of thing, or are they provided? Like, for hygiene.”

LIBRA (Sept. 24-Oct. 23): “If the Abrahamic God appeared right now at the table, but He was some kind of elephantine, tentacle-bearing sea creature out of Lovecraftian horror, would you keep going to church? What if He took the last slice of pumpkin pie before He left?”

SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 22): “What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream? If you were told you were allowed to eat only that as your sole source of nutrition, how do you think you’d kill yourself?”RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Knick Moore

Knick Moore hasn't been a smoker since 2007. However, this picture is just too stylish to replace.

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