Donald Trump’s First 20 Presidential Executive Orders

Following his election as the 45th president of the United States, Donald Trump is settling into his new role as leader of the free world and has already drafted a flurry of executive orders he plans to institute immediately after his inauguration. In order to help Americans prepare to comply with the impending regulatory environment, here are the first 20 such orders he plans to impose upon taking office:

Executive Order No. 1: No fours or uglier in the Oval Office.

Executive Order No. 2: POTUS Secret Service call sign to be “WINNER.”

Executive Order No. 3: Someone arrest Hillary already.

Executive Order No. 4: The New York Times is allowed to continue but must change its motto under the masthead to “All the LIES that are fit to print.”


Executive Order No. 5: That nerd Nate Silver owes me an apology.

Executive Order No. 6: Arrest all those fours who came out and said I molested them. I know I said I’d sue them, but now that I’m PRESIDENT, the American people can’t have me wasting my time on frivolous lawsuits, especially when there’s plenty of prison space available.

Executive Order No. 15: No means yes and yes means anal.

Executive Order No. 7: The metric system is now illegal.

Executive Order No. 8: All foreign exchange students will be handled via virtual (electronic) exchange.

Executive Order No. 9: The phrase “Trumped-up charges” shall now be replaced with “Ginned-up charges” in all references, past and present.

Executive Order No. 10: Paul Ryan is a PUNK, and he has to call me every morning and apologize for what a TOTAL TOOL he is.

Executive Order No. 11: Orange is now considered a normal skin color. Stop mocking Boehner.

Executive Order No. 12: All state functions shall now start with a father-daughter slow dance.

Executive Order No. 13: Joe Biden is no longer allowed to drink beer.

Executive Order No. 14: Safe spaces are hereby declared unsafe.

Executive Order No. 15: No means yes and yes means anal.

Executive Order No. 15b: I am, therefore, now allowed to grab WHATEVER I want.

Executive Order No. 16: My hands are NOT small. They are HUGE.

Executive Order No. 17: Political campaign rallies, from this day forth, have “fair use” access to any and all musical choices, including stuff recorded by whiny liberals. Ted Nugent can’t be expected to provide ALL the songs we play at our stops.

Executive Order No. 18: Massachusetts is now illegal.

Executive Order No. 19: All visitors to the United States must declare they love Jesus before clearing customs.

Executive Order No. 20: “Hail to the Chief” to be replaced with the entire Jock Jams album series.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop


About Jared Kendall

A freelance data journalist and father of two, Jared Kendall has been using comedy as a coping mechanism his entire life. Born a Yankee, Jared's twenty-year stint in Baton Rouge still leaves him with one question: "Why'd I move here, again?"

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