Facebook Legal Expert Explains Why Alton Sterling’s Life Didn’t Matter

Off the WireSelf-proclaimed law enforcement and legal expert “T-Dave” Richeaux, of New Iberia, has been working overtime on Facebook since Alton Sterling was shot earlier this year in Baton Rouge. “T-Dave” is an unemployed oilfield worker and ninth-grade dropout, but he has pulled himself up by his bootstraps and used his unemployment time to become a legal expert on social media.

Thanks to a strict diet of Red Bull, boudin, and cracklins, Richeaux has expanded his reach to cover TV station Facebook pages from Houston north to Alexandria, and east to Baton Rouge and New Orleans. Sometimes if local news is really slow, he’ll pop over to national news pages periodically to whitesplain the important issues of race and police brutality — coupled with long quotes copied and pasted from Breitbart or Fox News.

In an effort to understand why Sterling died, The Red Shtick sent its intern Dave Robicheaux to Iberia Parish, where he caught up with Richeaux at his residence at New Horizons Mobile Home Park in New Iberia. The interview began with a review of Richeaux’s biography.

The Red Shtick: “Mr. Richeaux, how is it that you are qualified to speak so often and so forcefully on matters involving race and law enforcement?”

“I told that cop I was trying to get home fast fast because I had dem crawfish poops and there was about six Bud Lights sitting on my bladder, he was gonna just write me a ticket.”

 

Richeaux: “Well, y’all are part of that liberal media, so I shouldn’t be talking to you, ya heard? But that liberal media did cover that time my cousin Joni Breaux won the Guinness record for most thoughts and prayers sent over Facebook. So maybe not all of you are bad, but I do have to say that seeing through that media bias is part of what makes me an expert on the issues of race and police.”

The Red Shtick: “That’s great and all, but what actual qualifications do you hold? Have you ever been to a police academy or taken any classes on criminal justice?”

Richeaux: “Well, I did sit in the back of an Iberia Parish sheriff’s cruiser for 20 minutes on Monday. I also went to Baton Rouge last fall to tailgate at a LSU Tigers game, so I suppose that counts as going to college, right?”

The Red Shtick: “So you were arrested? What were the charges?”

Richeaux: “Oh hell no, at least not that time. I ran out of gas, so my cousin who works for dat Iberia Parish gave me a lift to the gas station. One time I did get pulled over for speeding and for having a tail light out.”

The Red Shtick: “You do realize a black man was killed by police a couple months ago in Minnesota over a tail light, right?”

Richeaux: “That’s what the liberal media is telling you, and I guarantee, when all the truth comes out, the officers will be cleared just like the one that killed that thug in Ferguson.”

The Red Shtick: “As a self-proclaimed law enforcement expert who speaks so often on the issue of racism and how it doesn’t exist, surely you have to consider the fact that unarmed black people have been killed for the same thing?”

Richeaux: “That’s just the media telling you what they want you to think. If you have a gun with you, you need to tell the police officer. That’s what I did when I got pulled over the other day. But that’s when I told that cop I was trying to get home fast fast because I had dem crawfish poops and there was about six Bud Lights sitting on my bladder, he was gonna just write me a ticket.”

“When I told him my momma and dem know Sheriff Ackal, he let me off with a warning.”

The Red Shtick: “Don’t you think that is a pretty good example of white privilege? Victor White ended up dead in the back of an Iberia Parish patrol vehicle, and you just got a ticket?”

Richeaux: “That ain’t white privilege; that’s just having good manners when you’re talking to a officer. Plus, when I told him my momma and dem know Sheriff Ackal, he let me off with a warning.”

The Red Shtick: “So you’re saying that if Alton Sterling or Philando Castile had lived in New Iberia, was cooperative with the police, and knew the sheriff, he would have had nothing to worry about?”

Richeaux: “Mais yeah! If you do exactly what the cops say and you respectful, then you ain’t gonna have no trouble. Besides, Alton Sterling was a thug! He was a criminal; the cops were just taking out the trash.”

The Red Shtick: “Philando Castile did exactly what the cops said in Minnesota, and he’s dead now. What do you have to say about that?”

Richeaux: “#BlueLivesMatter! Thoughts and prayers! #BlueLivesMatter! Thoughts and prayers! #BlueLivesMatter! Thoughts and prayers! #BlueLivesMatter! Thoughts and prayers! #BlueLivesMatter! Thoughts and prayers! #BlueLivesMatter! Thoughts and prayers! #BlueLivesMatter! Thoughts and prayers! #BlueLivesMatter!”

At this point, our intern ended the interview. He was last seen running toward Lafayette while being chased by three pickup trucks with Confederate flags, six pit bulls, and an opossum named Toby. Our thoughts and prayers go out to his family.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

 

About Manny Schewitz

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Manny Schewitz is a progressive liberal from the Dirty South with a thirst for the truth, humor, and whiskey. He is a co-founder of Progressive Frontier, an avid poker player, and an unapologetic liberal who supports gun regulations. Manny is also on Facebook, and you can follow him on Twitter as well.

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