I have an important message for the thousands of South Louisiana residents whose homes and businesses were ravaged by the record flooding last month: You can always call on me to help solve your problems.
For many of you, I know the recovery process is taking its toll on you and your health, both mentally and physically. The mold, the stress of trying to save your house and memories, the back-breaking labor of gutting a flooded building. For some, it’s simply overwhelming.
If this sounds like you, just keep in mind that drugs and alcohol can only do so much to help you cope with this calamity. I, on the other hand, can help you forget about your troubles by making your flood-damaged home or business a literal memory.
Oh sure, the insurance adjuster has a pretty mouth, and the FEMA guy seems reassuring, but you and I both know I can end your suffering in a few minutes.
Why go through the hassle of raising your home when you could just raze it with me?
Speaking of the feds, they’re talking about forcing a lot of you to elevate your homes. We’re talking about taking your entire house from where it was built to not go anywhere, and lifting it several feet in the air, like you’re Superman or some crap. The very thought of that is enough to give even the toughest person a dozen ulcers.
So why go through the hassle of raising your home when you could just raze it with me? And then, if you want to rebuild on higher ground, guess who can spread dirt better than TMZ? Yours truly.
Now, a word to the wise: Don’t fall for some Johnny-come-lately with a dozer blade and a set of tracks. Anybody can promise to obliterate your mold-infested edifice of despair, but your sanity is not worth the few dollars you might save on some off-brand bulldozer.
I was born and raised right here in America, where people know how to press the reset button on life’s burdens rather than deal with them head-on. The Caterpillar D6 family has been helping Americans knock down obstacles to happiness since the Great Depression. My fluids are coursing with DNA steeped in a rich history of leveling impediments to progress.
So just remember: The quickest way to get all those microbes and moisture out of your framework is to put it all in a pile and set it on fire. Just bring a match, and I’ll do the rest.