GUEST COLUMN: “Fuck You, Donald Trump” — Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, ISIS Founder

Off the WireNever in my wildest imaginations did I envision having to come back from the grave to set the record straight because some asshat who could be the next president of the United States is genuinely giving someone else credit for my legacy.

Everyone knows I am the founder, the father, the originator of the Islamic State group (aka ISIS). Basically, I am to IS what George Halas is to the NFL. Everyone knows this; that is, except Donald Fucking Trump and the brainless sheep who are stupid enough to believe every word he says.

This asshole is going around saying over and over again that Barack Obama — not me — founded ISIS. And not in a figurative manner, either.

That’s what that infidel on the radio, Hugh Hewitt, thought when Trump came on his show, and Hewitt tried to explain that orange goat turd out of his own stupidity.

This muthafucker makes me wish I was still alive just so I could blow myself up.


“Last night, you said the president was the founder of ISIS. I know what you meant. You meant that he created the vacuum, he lost the peace,” Hewitt assumed … like a normal fucking human being would.

But Donald Trump is far from normal. And that’s saying something coming from someone like me.

That piece of shit replied, “No. I meant he’s the founder of ISIS. I do.”

This muthafucker makes me wish I was still alive just so I could blow myself up.

Honestly, you’d think someone who can’t go five minutes without bragging about his accomplishments would have the decency to properly credit others for their (in)famous accomplishments. But you’d think wrong.

No, instead, the spray-tanned sack of shit keeps insisting that killer-drone-loving half-breed in the White House is the founder of the group I LITERALLY GAVE MY FUCKING LIFE TO CREATE AND DEVELOP!

And you want to know the worst part? He says ISIS was founded by a guy who can’t even say the name of the group he supposedly founded. Seriously, how the fuck can you say ISIS was founded by a guy who can’t not call it “ISIL”?

Plus, Obama would be a horrrrrrible jihadist! He’s way too hands-off, aloof, and academic. For Allah’s sake, the guy wouldn’t know the difference between an IED and an RPG.

Seriously, how the fuck can you say ISIS was founded by a guy who can’t not call it “ISIL”?

Oh, but Obama is the real founder of ISIS, even though he hardly had time to warm up his chair in the U.S. Senate by the time I got killed as the most wanted man in both Jordan and Iraq (aka “THE GODDAM FOUNDER OF ISIS”).

And his people eat this shit up like it’s straight out of the Koran! It’s more insane than my extreme ideology!

You know, I thought I was a charismatic leader who managed to brainwash a shit ton of gullible idiots into doing some crazy shit that was totally against their own best interest, all with the goal of destroying Western civilization as we know it. But Donald Trump makes me look like a damn amateur. Unbelievable.

Well, I’ve got to get back to paradise. But before I go, I’ve got one last thing to say:

Fuck you, Donald Trump. I mean that as sincerely as you do when you say Obama is the founder of ISIS.


RedShtick-Top-ColumnStopP.S.: All of my 72 virgins look like Ivanka, Donald. Jealous much?


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