Olympic Officials Afraid Rio Games Won’t Meet Shitshow Standard Set by GOP Convention

Off the WireOrganizers of the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro are concerned the Republican National Convention in Cleveland raised the bar for what is considered a disastrous production too high for them to compete with.

Renato Ciuchini, chief operating officer of the Rio de Janeiro Organizing Committee for the Olympic Games, is worried that millions of people anticipating the Rio Games to be an unmitigated shitshow will be disappointed after witnessing this year’s RNC gathering.

“For months, we’ve been setting the stage for a complete meltdown in Rio with concerns over security issues, infrastructure failures, and a Zika pandemic,” Ciuchini explained. “And in just four days, the Republicans completely undermined us with their haphazard clusterfuck of a convention in Cleveland.”

Ciuchini claimed the 2016 Republican National Convention, where Donald Trump was formally tapped to be the party’s presidential nominee, has created unrealistic expectations for all future prospective train wrecks with a worldwide audience.

“I’m not saying we won’t have a silver medalist booed off the medal platform and his spouse whisked away by security because people want to physically attack her, but it’s a pretty tall order.”


“Those irresponsible bastards have given us a hell of a lot to live up to,” Ciuchini lamented. “Among lots of other gaffes, the nominee’s wife plagiarized the country’s first lady, the campaign vehemently denied she plagiarized, and then a speechwriter admitted she plagiarized the first lady. That’d be like an Olympic champion denying she doped, and then finding a picture of her on Snapchat sporting an 8-inch penis.”

He also cited Sen. Ted Cruz’s convention speech, for which the Texas Republican has been roundly criticized because it did not include an endorsement of Trump.

“The party runner-up was literally booed off the stage on prime-time television and his wife had to be escorted by security out of the building, all in a nation that calls itself a ‘shining city on a hill,'” Ciuchini said. “I’m not saying we won’t have a silver medalist booed off the medal platform and his spouse whisked away by security because people want to physically attack her, but it’s a pretty tall order.”

In the wake of the convention, Ciuchini said the organizing committee is taking last-minute steps to reassure viewers the Rio Games will deliver on the promise of a catastrophe worth watching.

“Not only have we quadrupled the amount of raw sewage being pumped into the rowing and sailing venues, but we’re also dumping every dead body — human or otherwise — we can get our hands on in there, as well,” Ciuchini stated. “We’re also working on infesting all of our water venues with Zika-infected mosquito larvae so they’ll be mature and hungry right when all the swimmers, divers, water polo players, rowers, and sailors show up to compete.”

Additionally, in order to help enhance the threat of a security debacle, Ciuchini said they’re giving all known area criminals and possible terrorists cases of Red Bull and bags of amphetamines confiscated from the suspended Russian track and field team.

“We’re pulling out all the stops after seeing that convention,” he added. “And just for good measure, we’re going to give Bob Costas another case of pinkeye and hide his booster seat.”RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop


About Tony Swartz

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