The Red Shtick’s in-house political analysts have narrowed to 10 the field of likely candidates from which Donald Trump will choose his vice presidential running mate. Here are those we believe are still in the running to be tapped for the No. 2 spot on the GOP ticket:
1. Gary Busey’s teeth
The former Celebrity Apprentice cast member’s choppers would visually help re-enforce Trump’s promise to make America great/grate again.
2. Optimus Prime
The autobot’s renowned strong moral character, excellent leadership, sound decision-making skills, and brilliant military tactical knowledge all would be positives for the Republican ticket. Plus, Prime’s constant transforming would distract from Trump’s ceaseless shifting on positions.
3. Gene Simmons’ tongue
The KISS bassist and former Celebrity Apprentice cast member’s famously lengthy tongue would help make up for Trump’s woeful poll numbers among women, but the kosher glossa also would attract the pro-Israel voting bloc.
4. Ten dead Mexicans
They’d lock down the anti-immigration vote and never commit any Joe Biden-like gaffes.
5. A complete DVD set of My Three Sons
A complete set of every episode of the classic patriarchal ’60s show would remind people of when America was great. Fred MacMurray and Uncle Charley also would provide Trump with wise counsel for fixing all of the country’s problems.
6. Archie Bunker
Trump is dogged by allegations of avoiding military service during Vietnam, so a famous World War II veteran and Purple Heart recipient would be a plus for the ticket. Bunker also would improve Trump’s appeal to minorities.
7. Caitlyn Jenner’s penis
Next to Jenner’s genitalia, Trump might seem like less of a dick. Also, the fellow reality star’s junk likely doesn’t have any plans for the next four years.
8. The frozen embryo of his next wife
Trump has proven he doesn’t really need a vice president to be successful. All he needs is a constantly young, hot wife.
9. A headless corpse of an Islamic State fighter
Nothing says “Nobody will protect America like me” more than the decapitated body of a dead Islamic State jihadist.
10. David Duke’s klan robe
Picking the former grand wizard of the Ku Klux Klan as his running mate certainly would doom Trump’s chances of winning, but teaming up with Duke’s KKK robe would allow Trump to have his cake and eat it, too. Xenophobes and racists clearly would recognize the robe’s symbolism and vote in lockstep for him, while Trump could claim he’s simply promoting a new line of luxurious, Trump-brand cotton robes that Americans will want to buy to don when they’re tired of swimming in all the money they’ll be making when he’s president.