The prospect of a Zika virus pandemic has a lot of people worried. That’s why we’re offering five simple steps you can take to avoid contracting Zika.
1. Don’t have unprotected sex with mosquitoes.
Zika is carried by mosquitoes and is sexually transmitted, so if you’re going to have sexual intercourse with a mosquito, make sure you use a latex condom.
2. Don’t let a mosquito bite you while you’re having sex with it.
You can also contract the Zika virus from the bite of a mosquito that’s carrying the virus, so if you insist on having sexual intercourse with one, make sure you don’t get too kinky and let it bite you. And, of course, use a condom as prescribed in step No. 1.
3. If you’re pregnant, don’t let your fetus have unprotected sex with a mosquito.
The Zika virus can cause devastating birth defects, like microcephaly, in developing fetuses. So if you’re expecting, don’t let your unborn child have unprotected sex with a mosquito, no matter how much he or she demands it.
4. Don’t have outdoor sex in the jungle, swamp, or bayou.
We know the adult film industry makes outdoor sex seem exotic and exciting, but most of those scenes are shot in drier climes, like Southern California. The insects you occasionally see hovering around the performers’ genitalia are not mosquitoes. If you engage in outdoor sexual intercourse in warm, moist environments, like South Louisiana, you could end up having unintended sexual relations with an infected mosquito.
5. Stop whoring around with Brazilian women.
Empirical evidence shows many women in Brazil are likely to have had unprotected sex with infected mosquitoes.