Donald Trump Would Be the Most American American President in American History

Some people argue that, if Donald Trump is elected president of the United States, he would usher in the end of the American experiment; he would destroy the republic we hold so dear.

Perhaps. But, even if that does come to pass, I would argue America was destroyed by the most truly American of all the chief executives who have held the highest office in the land.

Seems like a poetically fitting demise, if you ask me. America being undone by the very manifestation of what it’s become? That’s some heavy stuff, man.

Oh, you don’t believe Trump would be the most American American president in American history? Alright, then.

Trump loves to brag about all his accomplishments and how awesome he is. Well, do you know America saved the world from Hitler, landed on the moon, and is the greatest country in the history of the world?

Trump is notorious for never apologizing for anything, no matter how offensive or disrespectful his actions may be. Coincidentally, America doesn’t apologize for anything it’s done, either. Whether it’s institutionalized slavery, the confiscation of Native American lands, the Trail of Tears, the internment of Japanese-Americans during World War II, or any number of violations of other nations’ sovereignty, only the most un-American of people would even think of apologizing rather than demand all the so-called “victims” simply get over it.

The fact is, everything America does is right; same goes for Donald Trump. No mistakes. Ever. Ergo, there’s never any need to apologize by either party.

There’s no problem too complicated or overwhelming that his big brain can’t fix, just like there’s no international issue that real American hubris can’t solve.

The New York billionaire has repeatedly told his supporters how, as president, he’ll easily fix all of America’s troubles. There’s no problem too complicated or overwhelming that his big brain can’t fix, just like there’s no international issue that real American hubris can’t solve. The rest of us simply need to get out of Trump’s way so he can fix everything wrong with America, while all those foreigners need to get out of America’s way so we can fix their countries.

While real Americans know the solution for all the world’s ills, they also don’t give a shit about the rest of the world, just like Trump. The fact that the world revolves around the United States is one of the highest American ideals, which is why Trump said he’ll put America first. In addition to bringing back all the manufacturing jobs that went to Mexico, President Trump will create new jobs by forcing Apple to manufacture its devices here in the U.S. while simultaneously ensuring Americans will still be able to buy new iPhones for only $200.

Now, if you’re asking yourself how Apple will be able to keep the price the same when it no longer has Chinese quasi-slave labor to make its items, you may want to check to see if you’re a real American. Yes, so-called “experts” say American-made iPhones would cost over $2,000, but economic literacy is almost as un-American as a nominal capacity for nuance.

Speaking of nuance, Trump has zero capacity for it. None. Zilch. There is no gray area with Trump. Someone is either a winner or a loser. Things are either good or bad, just like the characters in old Westerns, which is the truest American movie genre ever. Hats were either black or white, not gray. Nuance is for losers, and Trump is not a loser.

Some people say, as commander in chief, Trump will kick ass and take names. But why bother taking names? If Trump kicks someone’s ass, the only name that matters is “loser.” That’s all the history books will need to note.

Trump truly would be the ultimately American commander in chief. He’s a noted avoider of military service (an accomplished athlete who received four draft deferments in college and was ultimately excused for “bone spurs”) who vigorously avows his support for our troops, engages in wanton saber-rattling, and calls for more wars to be fought by others who have no familial connection to him. He’s said he’s willing to send other people’s children across the globe to fight and die because diplomacy is for pussies.

Trump truly would be the ultimately American commander in chief. He’s a noted avoider of military service who vigorously avows his support for our troops, engages in wanton saber-rattling, and calls for more wars to be fought by others who have no familial connection to him.

You’d be hard-pressed to get any more American than that, namely because Trump would be a throwback to the Civil War days when the nation’s upper class fought for its interests by duping working-class folks into shedding their blood for the cause of the wealthy. In order to preserve their free labor pool, Southern plantation owners convinced hundreds of thousands of poor, non-slave owners to fight the Union and die in order to preserve their way of life from the evils of abolitionism. And as we all know, the Confederacy is the real America.

By the way, did you know Trump is wealthy? In case you hadn’t heard, he’s a billionaire. And he did it with only a measly million-dollar loan from his father and the influence of the name Trump. It’s the quintessentially American riches-to-greater-riches story told by a person who considers himself a self-made man.

Like many of the greatest Americans, Trump was born on third base and boasts about his life being a home run. And when asked how he did it, he invokes the supposed words of arguably the greatest home run hitter of all time to illustrate his innate ability to make money.

“Some people aren’t meant to be rich,” Trump told Playboy in 2004. “It’s like when Babe Ruth was the greatest home run hitter. There had never been anybody like him, and his teammates would ask, ‘Babe, Babe, how do you hit the long ball?’ And he’d say, ‘I don’t know, man. I just swing at it.’ I see it like that. It’s just something you have, something you’re born with.”

Yes, it’s definitely something you’re born with. It’s called being truly American.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Jeremy White

Jeremy White
Jeremy White is an engineer by education, but a smartass by birth. He managed to overcome the obstacles presented by his technical background, and has brilliantly devised a way to make a living making fun of people.

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