How is your May going? I only ask because you’ve turned to the Horrorscopes in the hopes that I have something good to tell you.
Cinco de Mayo fell on a Thursday this year, so there’s only so much I can do for you. I’m not saying the nation’s second-biggest day-drinking holiday falling on a worknight is a bad omen, but as a purveyor of false hope based on fake astronomy, I have to take the signs as they come.
You’re going to be so very aware of clitorises this week. Just wholly unable to not think about them. No injuries or anything, but jeez. All those clitorises. Just out there.
So how bad is it going to get? Let’s find out by looking at one of the many commemorative weeks in May.
TAURUS (Apr. 21-May 21): Food Allergy Awareness Week — Are you allergic to a particular food? You’ll find out this week as you’re pumped full of adrenaline in the back of an ambulance.
GEMINI (May 22-June 21): Dystonia Awareness Week — Dystonia is characterized by involuntary muscle cramps; in your case, anismus leading to painful defecation.
CANCER (June 22-July 22): National Dog Bite Prevention Week — Spoiler: You’re not going to be preventing at least one dog bite this week.
Three words: genital paper cut.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 21): North American Occupational Safety and Health Week — You spend a big chunk of your life at work, which contributes to the high number of work-related ER visits each year. Good news! Those visits aren’t covered by workers comp 40% of the time.
VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 23): Emergency Medical Services Week — Something bad is going to happen. But don’t worry; the ambulance will get there just in time. Unfortunately for you, vehicle fatality rates for first responders are 4.8 times higher than those for the general public.
LIBRA (Sept. 24-Oct. 23): National Wildflower Week — A gift of freshly picked windflower will result in a god-awful rash caused by the protoanemonin the plant is chock-full of.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 22): Neuropathy Awareness Week — Neuropathy is nerve damage, something tough to nail down in your case, given the 45 miles of nerves in the human body that can be affected. Good luck.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): International Clitoris Awareness Week — You’re going to be so very aware of clitorises this week. Just wholly unable to not think about them. No injuries or anything, but jeez. All those clitorises. Just out there.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): National Anxiety and Depression Awareness Week — Are you depressed or suffering from general anxiety disorder? Why not? Don’t you know how terrible your life is right now? It’s ticking away one second at a time, and it’ll only speed up as you get toward the end. What are you doing with it? The planet is edging closer toward nuclear war, famine, pandemics, a Trump presidency, global financial collapse, killer bees, and climate change, and you’re blowing every opportunity you’ve ever been given. Also, what’s that lump? That wasn’t there last week.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): National Stationery Week — Three words: genital paper cut.
PISCES (Feb. 20-Mar. 20): Update Your References Week — You should go ahead and update your references. I’m not saying you’re about to get fired, but you never know… You’re totally about to get fired.
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 20): National Stuttering Awareness Week — Stuttering affects about 1% of the population and is usually a developmental issue. But good news: You can acquire it as an adult. More good news: It’s one sign of a brain tumor.