Florida Gov. Rick Scott Launches Campaign to Lure Dumbasses From Louisiana

Gov. Rick Scott, of Florida, announced his administration has kicked off an effort aimed at attracting to the Sunshine State morons currently living in Louisiana.

The Republican two-term governor declared on Facebook yesterday that he will lead a “domestic trade mission” to Louisiana “to show how Florida is a much better place for idiots to live.”

“Louisiana leaders don’t understand the needs and desires of dumbasses. In Florida, we’ve built an entire state to benefit people with shit for brains,” Scott posted, along with a photo of intoxicated college students in Panama City, FL, on spring break.

Scott also appealed directly to Louisiana jackasses by claiming Florida is very similar to the Bayou State, but exceeds it in many categories that are important to total dipshits.

“We’ve also got swamps, gators, racists, and meth labs. We’re Louisiana with beaches. And Jews, but only in certain places.”

“You obviously enjoy living in a state with a doomed coastline. Well, Florida has nearly three-and-a-half times as much totally fucked coastline as Louisiana,” Scott stated. “And you know you want to go out like a legend, so why settle for residing in the state with the second-highest density of lightning strikes when you can live in the nation’s leader of lightning strikes per square mile?”

Scott continued, “We’ve also got swamps, gators, racists, and meth labs. We’re Louisiana with beaches. And Jews, but only in certain places.”

Meanwhile, an angry Louisiana Gov. John Bel Edwards admonished Scott for trying to poach dolts from Louisiana.

“Gov. Scott is using his ‘dumb-estic trade mission’ to distract people from the fact he is the notorious bat boy of supermarket tabloid fame,” Edwards spokesman Richard Carbo said in an email. “Some may say Gov. Edwards resembles the character Sloth from the 1985 film The Goonies, but at least he wasn’t on the cover of the Weekly World News.”RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Tony Swartz

Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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