Internet Trolls Say Beyoncé Fans Too Scary to Screw With

Countless degenerates who derive entertainment from inciting people on the internet with outrageous comments and false claims say they’re steering clear of Beyoncé fans, insisting they’re too frightening when provoked.

Internet trolls across the world who spend a significant portion of their day attempting to get a rise out of faceless strangers insist they’re taking every precaution possible to avoid any action that might possibly incense the singer’s devotees, known as the “BeyHive,” whom they deem as extremely irrational and viciously reactionary.

“I say crazy things online to piss people off because I like seeing people getting worked up literally over nothing,” explained Ben Stelter, of Portland, OR. “But her fans scare the shit out of me. I don’t need one of them hunting me down and taking me out because I posted something less-than-flattering about Beyoncé.”

Stelter described how a lyric about “Becky with the good hair” from Beyoncé’s recent album Lemonade prompted the singer’s fans to unjustifiably and relentlessly swarm on social media against various women they believed had an affair with Beyoncé’s husband, rapper Jay-Z.

“They went after Rachel Ray, the TV cook, because, apparently, you can’t tell the difference between ‘Roy’ and ‘Ray’ when you’re blinded by a bloodlust to avenge a woman who doesn’t even know you exist.”

“She sings about somebody cheating, and the next thing you know, her fans are leading a damn witch hunt online, harassing anybody and everybody they think Jay-Z might’ve banged on the side,” Stelter said. “Dude is rich as fuck and owns an NBA team. Who hasn’t he had sex with?”

rachel-ray-beyhive-man-stealerHe continued, “First, they went after Rachel Roy, a fashion designer, because they thought she was Becky with the good hair. Then they went after Rachel Ray, the TV cook, because, apparently, you can’t tell the difference between ‘Roy’ and ‘Ray’ when you’re blinded by a bloodlust to avenge a woman who doesn’t even know you exist. And then they jumped all over Rita Ora after she posted a picture of herself wearing a bra with lemons on it because, you know, Lemonade.”

Patrick Whittington, of Hattiesburg, MS, said he considered agitating the BeyHive by falsely accusing other female celebrities of being Becky with the good hair, but decided he couldn’t take the risk of causing a fatality.

Rita-Ora-Beyhive-bra-lemonade“Look, some people might think I’m a complete waster of oxygen for trolling people online, but give me a little bit of credit,” Whittington maintained. “I’m not a complete piece of shit. I’m not going to just post a rumor about somebody being the woman Jay-Z cheated on Beyoncé with. That’s the kind of shit that can get somebody killed, like me.”

Meanwhile, Chicago’s Henry Gallagher believes Beyoncé’s fans are even more frightening than arguably the most notorious organization on the planet.

“Most people think the scariest group on the internet is ISIS. It’s not. It’s Beyoncé fans,” Gallagher explained. “ISIS wishes they were as scary as the Hive.”RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Tony Swartz

Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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