If you listen to the Dorque Minute every Tuesday on Classic Hits 103.3 FM, then you already know that 2016 is a leap year. If you don’t listen but own a calendar, then you probably still know we’re getting an extra day this month.
What to do with all that extra time?!
I’m here to help you out with a number of wonderful ways to improve yourself (or at least pretend you’ve worked toward it) that can all be accomplished in a day or less. And since you’ve already blown your New Year’s resolution, why not play a little catch-up and broadcast your new accomplishment on social media so everyone can know The Red Shtick has once again made your life better in new and exciting ways?
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): See if you’re running for president. While there are quite a few well-known clowns running for the Oval Office, there are also 1,529 other clowns running out of the public eye. Hell, one of them may have your name. Just go to the Federal Elections Commission website and take a peek, then tell all your friends to vote for you.
PISCES (Feb. 20-Mar. 20): Become ordained. Growing up, I admired those groovy shirts and collars only priests get to wear. Thanks to the Universal Life Church and a quick form at the Clerk of Court’s Office, I’m legally ordained and can perform all sorts of legally binding religious duties. Best part: It’s free and anyone can do it. Just go to the ULC website, and then check out Autom.com for all the religious accoutrements you could wish for. Just know that they’ll start sending you a massive catalog every week for the rest of your life.
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 20): Get your liquor license. You can do it online now in just around three hours! Take the course and the exam at The National Restaurant Association’s website for $30, or search for an online Hooters waitress coupon and save yourself $10. Then get ready to legally ruin lives and livers for fun and profit.
You can listen to it anywhere: on the toilet, while you masturbate, as you’re running from the cops. Take a second to broaden your mind, you ignorant slob.
TAURUS (Apr. 21-May 21): Protect your pets. If your house catches fire and you’re not home, your pets’ lack of opposable thumbs will make it difficult for them to get the doors open. Go to the ASPCA’s Pet Safety Pack page and get some free stickers to post on your windows to alert the firefighters that you have pets inside. It’s also handy if you keep a “secret Russian bride” in your basement.
GEMINI (May 22-June 21): Listen to a classic. Everyone wants to say he’s read the classics, but everyone is also lazy and full of crap. Why not swing by Librivox and listen to a public domain book being read to you for free by a volunteer reader? You can listen to it anywhere: on the toilet, while you masturbate, as you’re running from the cops. Take a second to broaden your mind, you ignorant slob.
CANCER (June 22-July 22): Become a doctor. Sure, it’s a doctorate in metaphysics, but is that any less useful than your buddy from high school with a doctorate in music? Best part, you can totally call yourself “doctor” when making reservations or appointments. For $33, you can print out a really fancy diploma, too!
LEO (July 23-Aug. 21): Become a notary. You know you want to! The test is pretty straightforward if you take a couple hours to study, but you’ll need to fill out some paperwork and pay for five years of insurance (around $150). But hey, nothing gets you laid like a notary seal.
VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 23): Get a royal title. For a fee ranging from around $40 to $280, you can become Lord or Lady What’s-His-Face, or even a knight. Check out Sealandgov.org and pick your rank, then order the hostess at Chili’s to announce you on the way to your booth.
Nothing gets you laid like a notary seal.
LIBRA (Sept. 24-Oct. 23): Qualify as an EMT. Brainbench.com has a ton of worthless tests you can take to earn “certifications.” My favorite is the one for EMT basic knowledge certification, which will allow you to respond to someone shouting for help with “I’m certified!” and then lean over the victim as he dies.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 22): Earn your forklift qualifications. Why have you been putting this off? There’s only $50 and two hours between you and an OSHA forklift operator’s certification.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Get certified in club drugs. Put all that field experience to good use and visit Professional Server Certification Corp. to earn a resume-boosting certificate stating you know all about party drugs and the dangers inherent therein. Plus, if you deal in unlicensed pharmaceuticals, it may help you sound a bit more officious in court.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Get your karate black belt. Just click on the link and buy it for $11. I promise you it’s just as good as anything you’ll earn from the skinny white dude in a Livingston Parish strip mall. No one will know the difference when you run your mouth in the bar. The ass kicking you receive will feel exactly the same.