GUEST COLUMN: Quit Violating My Safe Space – State Rep. Neil Abramson

Off the Wire

My wife, Kim, told me to write this, so I am. I don’t need her “forgetting” our safe word again.

Can you all please just leave me alone? Media, bloggers, constituents, the Orleans Parish Democratic Executive Committee, random Twitter users, and whoever else feels compelled to criticize me: Please, just let me do my thing in the legislature without calling me things like “weak,” “spineless,” and “traitor,” OK?

In fact, don’t say anything critical about me or my record. Cool? Cool.

Look, I don’t want to seem like a dick, but I don’t handle criticism very well, at least not from people I’m not married to. That’s why I need my safe space in the media and online.

So please quit violating that precious bubble of protection I so desperately need or else my political consultant Greg Buisson will send you a statement on my behalf … if you’re lucky. If you’re not so lucky, my wife, Kim, will viciously enforce the sanctity of my safe space, and when she does, may God have mercy on your soul, your job, and your Twitter account.

Please quit violating that precious bubble of protection I so desperately need.

Like me, she’s a lawyer. And if you write something less than flattering about me, she will “correct” (her word, not mine) you. Trust me, you probably don’t want her “correcting” you. She’s “corrected” me numerous times in the privacy of our home. Usually, she ends, or at least pauses, her “corrections” of me right before I’m about to scream our safe word.

My wife has already tweeted out on my Twitter account a statement written by Buisson explaining why, as a Democrat, I threw my hat into the race for speaker of the House when our new Democratic Gov. John Bel Edwards had already endorsed fellow Democrat and New Orleanian Rep. Walt Leger III for the post. Buisson’s statement also explains why I was the only Democrat of the 42 in the House to vote for the eventual winner, Republican Rep. Taylor Barras.

The bottom line is, it’s not my fault Leger barely lost on the second ballot. It’s not my fault some Republicans switched their votes to Barras when they saw disorganization within the Democratic delegation. It’s not my fault this is the first time in history a Louisiana governor’s selection for House speaker was defeated.

It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault!!! IT’S NOT MY FAULT!!!!!!!!!

OK, sorry. See, this is why I need my safe space.

Alright, my wife, Kim, would like to use this forum to say a few things. Here she is:

All you pathetic liars and maggots need to get a life and quit harassing me and my gimp of a husband. He’s mine! I’m the only one who gets to mistreat him, you hear me!?!

That especially goes for that worm who calls himself Michael Beyer and who had the gall to lambaste Neil in a column that mysteriously got taken down from The Daily Reveille‘s website almost as soon as it was published. I wonder how that happened???

Despite my best efforts, he may still be employed by The Daily Reveille as a student reporter, but that doesn’t mean I won’t eventually have him begging for mercy.

And I will make you beg, worm. One day, I will make you beg for mercy, and you will not find it.

Why don’t you just sit there and look stupid rather than open your ball-gag-begging mouth and remove all doubt?

Same goes for that miserable excuse of a human being, the blogger called Lamar White Jr., who published Beyer’s drivel within hours of it getting inexplicably wiped from The Reveille‘s servers. I will make his pathetic existence a living hell, just like his wormy friend Beyer’s.

For starters, I’ve blocked both of them on Twitter.

How you like that, huh? Ready to beg for mercy? Well, I’m just getting started!

And don’t try to tell me, “Oooh, I can still read your tweets even if you block me. All I have to do is log out and I can see everything.”

Why don’t you just sit there and look stupid rather than open your ball-gag-begging mouth and remove all doubt? I know how Twitter works. I’m a lawyer.

I’ve also blocked all their subhuman “tweeps” who dared retweet that protective-bubble-bursting screed. Oh, you may think you’re immune to being blocked by a legislator’s Twitter account just because you’re a governmental reporter for the state’s largest newspaper, Rebekah Allen, but guess again, little girl. NEIL IS MINE TO INFLICT PAIN UPON! NOT YOURS! UNDERSTAND!?!

And as for the Orleans Parish Democratic Executive Committee: You disgust me. How dare you publicly “rebuke” Neil for “undermining the solidarity of the Orleans delegation.”

For the last time, QUIT ENCROACHING ON MY PROPERTY AND LEAVE NEIL ALONE!

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