A senior officer in the Atheist Secular Army stands accused of committing war crimes in the decadeslong war against Christmas.
Col. James B. Atkins, a 25-year veteran of the ASA, faces charges of crimes against humanity, including genocide, torture, and use of chemical weapons on the battlefield.
The notoriously ruthless Atkins was detained earlier this week by American officials and is being held at the U.S. detention camp at Guantanamo Bay Naval Base in Cuba. A date for his tribunal has yet to be set.
Prosecutors allege Atkins violated long-held international laws and treaties on numerous occasions over the past couple decades as an Atheist commander leading the charge to destroy Christmas.
Atkins routinely deployed tear gas on innocent civilian carolers who dared sing Christmas songs within earshot of him, according to Melanie Roussell Newman, a spokeswoman for the U.S. Justice Department.
The charge of genocide against Atkins stems from allegations he tried to systematically wipe out the entire known population of elves.
“We’ve been trying to bring this guy to justice for years,” Newman said Monday. “There’s no telling how many Christian soldiers have been brutally subjected to Atkins’ seemingly endless diatribes about separation of church and state and why Christmas should not be a national holiday. Survivors say the torture sessions would go on for hours and hours.”
The charge of genocide against Atkins stems from allegations he tried to systematically wipe out the entire known population of elves, an ethnic group best known for baking cookies in trees and making Christmas toys in Santa Claus’ workshop at the North Pole.
“When’s the last time you saw a real-life, bona fide elf?” Newman asked. “Not a midget dressed like one with fake pointy ears, either. The fact that they aren’t around supports claims that Atkins exterminated them.”
If convicted, Atkins could face a firing squad of a dozen Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot Range Model air rifles.