GUEST COLUMN: “I Like This David Vitter Guy” – Richard Nixon’s Ghost

Off the Wire

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Well, if I still had blood pumping through my veins, my jowls would be blushing.

The more I hear about him, the more I like this David Vitter guy. I keep hearing words like “ruthless,” “vindictive,” and “bully” used to describe this ambitious Republican. Sounds like a man after my own heart, if I had one. Ever.

Then there’s this whole spying deal where some private dick hired by Vitter was arrested after trying to record the private conversation of a few political enemies, including a sheriff who endorsed another gubernatorial candidate. Well, let me just say I know what it’s like to have covert operatives arrested while trying to get dirt on the opposition, and I say there’s not a goddam thing wrong with it.

Politics is war, and all’s fair in love and war. Plus, an integral part of war is doing reconnaissance and gathering intelligence on your enemy, whether they be elected officials, political operatives, or John Q. Citizen. Sure, sometimes spies get caught, but you can never have enough intel and leverage on the opposition who is out to get you.

And make no mistake: They are definitely out to get you.

So I don’t care if he was wiretapping his own mother. If she supports the other guy, screw her and her “right to expectation of privacy.” She, like anyone else, should expect to be surveilled if she doesn’t wholeheartedly and loyally support his political endeavors.

As you well know, I never had to worry about my own mother. She was a Quaker saint.

I know what it’s like to have covert operatives arrested while trying to get dirt on the opposition, and I say there’s not a goddam thing wrong with it.

While watching this Vitter fellow’s victory speech after he made the runoff for Louisiana governor, I noticed he had the stage lined with several colored folks. (They still like being called “colored,” right?) He even had one lead things off with a prayer. That’s a really nice touch.

David-Vitter-speech-election-nightIf anyone knows about using colored people to improve political optics while simultaneously pushing policies to marginalize them, it’s me. Hell, I started the war on drugs while acting all buddy-buddy with the Godfather of Soul, James Brown.

Listen to the tapes. He wasn’t my buddy.

I like the cut of this Vitter guy’s jib. Using dog whistle tactics to secure the white vote — like promoting drug testing for welfare recipients and tying his opponent to a hated colored guy in the White House, even though they’ve never met — while showing colored folks he has colored friends.

Of course, he’s a lot more into poontang than I ever was. Instead of a sex drive, I had a drive for power. My lovely wife, Pat, was more than enough woman for me. Hell, as disinterested as I was in engaging in such activities, it’s a wonder we ever had two kids.

That’s why I can’t relate to Vitter’s whole screwing hookers thing. I’d be too scared they’d suck the life force out of me. But hey, we all have our own vices.

In any event, I hope the people of Louisiana have the good sense to elect this Vitter fellow. From the looks of it, he’ll run that state like I ran the White House, and that’s not a bad thing.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

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