Happy October, everyone! This month exists as an excuse to drink tons of dark beer, beg for candy, and make an unoriginal, half-hearted attempt at being a walking political cartoon at whatever Halloween party you go to.
But maybe I can help you with that last one. This month, everyone gets a costume idea based on this year’s big events, or — in the case of the political figures — annoying yet easily forgettable also-rans.
LIBRA (Sept. 24-Oct. 23): That guy with the AR-15 hanging out in the strip mall “protecting” the recruitment center since the July shooting in Chattanooga — Sure, he makes it really weird to buy a sandwich at 11 a.m. on a Tuesday, and yes, he is standing there unbidden with his finger resting on his trigger guard all day with a fully loaded rifle in plain sight of several family restaurants, a pet store, a Target, and the general public. But he’s white, unemployed, Christian, and ex-military. No one like that has ever gone nuts with a firearm in this country.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 22): A Syrian refugee — This one’s a little tricky because you’ll look and behave like everyone else, so as you wander from house to house, you have to tell people what you are so they know to ignore you and not give you any candy.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): President Piyush — This one’s really about attitude. The best way to pull it off is by trick-or-treating on Nov. 1 during the day so the general public can tell you that it’s too late and you should realize you need to give up and go home empty-handed.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Kim Davis — Grab a denim dress from Goodwill, a well-worn bible, and a sense of moral superiority before heading to work and sitting in the corner all day, playing on your phone. If anyone questions you, just claim religious discrimination.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Billnald Trumpsby – Since Trump and Cosby costumes are going to be rampant, dress as the Harvey Two-face conglomerate of both. Then wander around making empty boasts like a 13-year-old on Xbox Live while dropping Tic Tacs in everybody’s drinks.
PISCES (Feb. 20-Mar. 20): Diaper Dave — This one’s pretty easy. At this point, you can put on a shirt and tie, slap on a diaper, walk out the door and be instantly recognized. Who’d think making calls to prostitutes from the Senate floor while running on a family values platform would backfire?
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 20): Ted Cruz — This costume is almost exactly the same as President Piyush, except you need to draw on big, stupid-looking, always-worried eyebrows and pretend that your father didn’t fight for Castro and that you weren’t raised in Canada.
TAURUS (Apr. 21-May 21): Caitlyn Jenner — No one’s ever been more heroic than this millionaire former athlete who had the money to pay for full plastic surgery and gender reassignment while encouraging the antics of the most hateful fistful of Armenian asshats since System of a Down, all while being showered in the forced praise of everyone she meets out of fear they’ll be seen as bigots or hatemongers for questioning the validity of her pending sainthood. Certainly more heroic than every other LGBT individual with the strength to be him- or herself among the public.
GEMINI (May 22-June 21): A Confederate flag — The costume is obvious, but you need to sell it with Cosby levels of “Why is everyone suddenly turning on me?!” in order for it to really work.
CANCER (June 22-July 22): A gay Boy Scout leader — Now that the Scouts are finally OK with it, this one really isn’t that controversial. But you’ll still probably get yelled at.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 21): Muhammad on the cover of Charlie Hebdo — Remember? Yeah, that was January.
VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 23): “Fetus-stein” — A giant superbeing created from all the fetuses sold by Planned Parenthood after having been aborted. I mean, what else does the GOP think they’re using them for?