Greeks Are Gross

Feature

by GDI Joe

One time, this kid in college was sitting next to me, talking up his fraternity like I should join. Like I would join.

Being a GDI and a complete asshole, I asked point-blank whether it was worth it, paying all that extra money for dues and clothes and parties when he would end up with the same degree that I would get.

“Eh, probably not,” he admitted. “But being in a fraternity looks great on your résumé.”

Every time I see news accounts of college kids in Greek organizations who get in trouble for stupid shit, I think about that conversation nearly 30 years ago. Then I think about the real price Greeks force themselves to pay: spending the rest of their lives justifying the existence of these organizations in the first place. “They’re not all bad.” “Not everybody who’s a Greek acts like that.” “Being a member helped me do better in college.” “It’s a lot of fun, and I made a lot of friends.” “It wasn’t all partying – we did some service work.”

They spend a lot of time in college figuring out how to drink and fuck so they can free up time for drinking and fucking, and in amounts that would freak the shit out of other people who have experience with drinking and fucking.

Even if any of those things could come close to putting a small dent on the scales of morality, let me go ahead and say what most people have figured out with their own good sense by now: College Greeks are gross. They’re nasty-ass, dirty people.

They spend a lot of time in college figuring out how to drink and fuck so they can free up time for drinking and fucking, and in amounts that would freak the shit out of other people who have experience with drinking and fucking.

And there’s the fraternity at my own alma mater that takes a class picture every year with its mascot — a goat. As in, you have to fuck that goat in front of the rest of the frat in order to get in. That’s not fun. That’s not a demonstration of bravery or loyalty. That’s fucking gross.

sae-racist-chantYes, you delicate little Greeks, you’re being painted with a broad brush. But as the University of Oklahoma’s SAE chapter showed the world, you love cultural stereotypes, so don’t start fainting just because you’re on the receiving end. Especially since this one is demonstrably true.

Social scientists have research showing unequivocally that Greeks drink and fuck. A lot. Studies going back to the mid-1970s have shown that among college kids, Greek organizations — fraternities in particular — are most likely to take part in substance abuse and binge drinking. The kind of drinking that can lead to death, alcohol poisoning or a life of alcoholism.

frat-burn-couch-sit-on-face-signOther studies have turned up a lot of other gross shit, like the way frat culture is much more likely to contribute to rape culture. Obviously, most frat guys don’t commit sexual assault. But the research shows that college boys who do commit sexual assault are much more likely to be in a frat. And which group is most likely to be on the receiving end of these assaults? You guessed it — sororities.

Just to be clear, I’m not suggesting victims of rape and assault are gross. They’re victims of unconscionable attacks. I do, however, suggest that frat members’ higher propensity to commit sexual assault is another example of how the Greek system is fucking dirty and gross.

At some point, you have to put the funnel down, give your privates a rest, and crack open a book. Oh, and don’t slip roofies into girls’ drinks.

I’m also not passing judgment on people who drink and fuck a lot, especially in college. That’s the point in life, after all, when most of us figure that stuff out. As a student in the late 1980s, I spent my own share of time trying to get drunk and inside girls’ pants. If I hadn’t been such a little dweeb, I probably would have been more successful at both.

But even among students who do a lot of drinking and fucking, most seem to have, you know, an innate sense of realizing when some line has been crossed. We understand that college is expensive as shit and that, ultimately, we’re there to get an education. At some point, you have to put the funnel down, give your privates a rest, and crack open a book. Oh, and don’t slip roofies into girls’ drinks.

Also, if you’re going to spend so much time drinking and fucking, do you have to incorporate gross shit like bestiality and sexual assault and assloads of unadulterated racism? Greeks are not only getting an education, they’re tooling around with a bunch of other privileged little preppy jerkoffs. So what the fuck do you have against black people? What are Mexicans and immigrants denying you of?

But by all means, frat boy, put that shit down on your résumé. Because you know how the rest of us are just jealous.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

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