August is without a doubt the most important month of the year, as anyone who’s followed the Horrorscopes for the past decade is well aware. Why? Because it’s the month I was born. No month could possibly matter more, because without August, I don’t exist to perceive what happens and make ridiculous fake predictions/top 12 lists about it.
This August also happens to be when the first GOP debates took place. It was hilarious. But even funnier than watching Donald Trump do everything he could to keep from becoming president, so he could enjoy all the money he makes every time he runs for president, was seeing our beloved governor, Bobby Jindal, get seeded into the losers bracket.
The only people who’ve shifted the time of their big revelation more are the Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Don’t worry; I know he’s pushed back the time he’s finally going to be taken seriously, based on his initial plan when he made his official (and really creepy) announcement video, from the first debate to February and the Iowa caucus.
This is precious. The only people who’ve shifted the time of their big revelation more are the Jehovah’s Witnesses. But Jindal has put so much time and effort into his presidential run that he may actually believe he has a chance. Still.
Well, Vegas is currently giving him 40:1 odds of winning. That actually sounds better than what I’d expected when I looked it up. But is it? Let’s look at some things that have a better chance of happening than Piyush winning the White House.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 21): 36:1 — You’ll get called to participate in a taping of The Price is Right. (Come on down!)
VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 23): 2:1 — You, personally, will be diagnosed with some form of cancer. (Don’t skip those checkups.)
LIBRA (Sept. 24-Oct. 23): 5:1 — I will have a bagel sandwich for lunch. (I like bagel sandwiches.)
SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 22): 4:1 — Your neighbor has a substantial amount of cash hidden in his freezer (better odds if you lived next to former U.S. Rep. William J. Jefferson before May 4, 2012).
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): 4:1 — A ninth-grader in the Detroit public school system will graduate in four years. (You better lose yourself in the music, the moment, you own it, you better never let it go. …)
CAPRICORN (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): 25:1 — You’ll get hemorrhoids in your lifetime. (Eat more fiber.)
GEMINI (May 22-June 21): 2:1 —You’ll literally get away with murder. (O.J. is gonna find ’em.)
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): 3:1 — Two strangers in a room of 30 will have the exact same birthday.
PISCES (Feb. 20-Mar. 20): 16:1 — The Chicago Cubs will win their first World Series in 107 years (and fulfill the prediction in Back to the Future II).
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 20): 3:1 — A celebrity marriage will last a lifetime. (Kim and Kanye have a chance, y’all.)
TAURUS (Apr. 21-May 21): 4:1 — The next James Bond will be black. (Idris Elba could really pull it off.)
GEMINI (May 22-June 21): 2:1 — You’ll literally get away with murder. (O.J. is gonna find ’em.)
CANCER (June 22-July 22): 1:1 — The order in a newly opened and shuffled pack of cards will have never occurred before in the history of playing cards.