Local Conservative Rapper Releases Anti-Straight-Marriage Single

Music SnobThere are vanity projects, and then there are VANITY projects. Our subject here concerns the latter.

Baton Rouge’s most famous conservative American rapper, “Eazy” E. Eric Guirard, recently released yet another destined-to-become-a-classic music video and single, “Trouble, Time and Money.” E. Eric Guirard, as you ’90s kids will remember, is otherwise known as the (currently) disbarred personal injury attorney who offered his own personal “E Guarantee” in his ubiquitous television commercials.

He is also a well-noted hater of fat people. We can now add both women and marriage to his hate list.

“Trouble, Time and Money” — which can best be described as belonging to the musical genre of “how the fuck did this even get produced” but was most likely meant to be pop-country — runs a staggeringly long 5 minutes and 49 seconds. It’s so long that I am almost positive my soul left my body simply to escape my ears.

I suggest muting the sound, because when you do, it seems more like a sexy telenovela and less like a wigged ambulance chaser playing it straight.

Mr. Guirard croons about his low opinion of women, bleating over and over again that he doesn’t “need another girlfriend, sure don’t need another wife.” I assure you, all he needs to do is to continue this ruckus, and his wishes will come true.

This godawful musical catastrophe sounds like zombie Mickey Gilley on quaaludes. Or, now that I think about it, Barry Manilow covering George Strait.

I can’t imagine croaking this tune out would possibly get him the time of day with any woman, even if he wanted it to. Alas, to E. Eric, women are simply nothing but “Trouble, Time and Money,” which is super coincidental, because after he got in legal trouble, he was lucky he didn’t do any time, and he certainly lost a boatload of money.

But don’t cry, ladies. I have a feeling that we may have never interested E. Eric, anyway.

This brings me to the video. Really, you have to see it to believe it. I suggest muting the sound, because when you do, it seems more like a sexy telenovela and less like a wigged ambulance chaser playing it straight.

Our song’s protagonist, none other than the 57-year-old Guirard, goes on a date where the girl (and I mean girl, because she’s 20 at most) can’t decide what to wear. Isn’t that just what bitches do?

Next, we cut to a scene where he takes another date shopping, and — judging by his overexasperated expression — she spends all of his money on clothes. Women! Can’t live with them, pass the beer nuts.

Then we cut to the stage, presumably at Boudreaux & Thibodeaux’s downtown, where Mr. Guirard and his (very good) band and (excellent) backup singers are belting out this awful song.

No, oh my Jesus, it’s him and a hot girl, but he has his shirt off. I see old moobs. Help me. I can’t anymore … I’m literally tapping out of watching this video right now.

Inexplicably, we are next transported to a boxing ring. What are we doing? A date with Ronda Rousey? No, oh my Jesus, it’s him and a hot girl, but he has his shirt off. I see old moobs. Help me. I can’t anymore … I’m literally tapping out of watching this video right now.

Guirard-TeaPartyAnthem
Guirard should’ve stuck to Americana facepaint instead of whatever the hell he did to face lately.

Hopefully for Mr. Guirard, this new anti-straight-marriage anthem will be met with the great enthusiasm that his last two musical excursions enjoyed. His 2011 rap “Tea Party Anthem” received over 8,000 views on YouTube. (A video of me unboxing my phone, meanwhile, has 200,000.) He allegedly has performed his rap music, including “Tea Party Anthem,” in sports bars around Baton Rouge.

And back in 2008, Guirard’s “LSU Tigers Rap” was posted on YouTube to such glowing reviews as this one from commenter dirtmerchant1980: “This is lame. I call bullshit, this was obviously made by a bama fan to clown us.” And commenter ShylightProductions raved: “OMG Make love to me E! Give me the E-Guarantee in the cornhole!”

Guirard may be game, ShylightProductions, but only if you’re not a woman.

Oh, that reminds me; Guirard pays Botoxed lip service to those like me questioning his sexual preference with the line “Just hope and pray that I’m not gay,” which prompts the band to stop playing so he can deliver a capella the famous Seinfeld line, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

No, despite what some may claim, homosexuality is not an abomination. But this song and music video are.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Stephanie Landry

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Stephanie Landry is a lover, not a fighter, with the exception of some inanimate objects. Sing out to her here, or stand at her window with your boombox blasting your mixtape. Either way.

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