Governing by Magic 8 Ball and Siri

Featureby Benjamin Burdette Hurst

Much ado about nothing has been made concerning the less-than-shocking revelation that “the bastard prince,” Gov. Bobby Jindal, runs the state of Louisiana by his mobile phone.

Anyone traumatized by this news? Please step forward now. Perhaps Red Shtick Prime Properties, LLC may interest you in its newly listed resort tracts at Bayou Corne featuring the unique and patented halo-therapy medicinal spas.

The merry media bandwagon regretfully absconded from the exploration of how a grossly cuckolded Louisiana’s tête on the lam makes decisions.

In a prepared statement, Jindal’s office emphatically repudiated any suggestion that Siri was a counselor in the absent chief’s decision-making process. Siri, however, contradicted that statement.

When asked how to fix a $1.6 billion deficit, Siri paused for a moment before responding unemotionally: “SAVE.”

Jindal’s office emphatically repudiated any suggestion that Siri was a counselor in the absent chief’s decision-making process.

Pressed for more details, Siri insisted disastrous results loomed if her advice was not followed.

“Imagine that you have zero cookies and you split them evenly among zero friends. How many cookies does each person get?” she described rhetorically.

Siri was less emphatic on topics such as Common Core and tax credits. Initially, she “lost her connection to the internet” but eventually came around to admitting that one “should not run with scissors.”

Clearly, The Advocate ran out of mental steam when it opted to incredulously enlighten us on Don Jindal’s emancipated governance approach. To be ignorant of this, one must be an executive member of Occidental Petroleum; only such men hold the ultimate monopoly on plausible denial.

Beyond deniability was Siri’s response to the question: “Will I be president of the United States?”

Go ahead, ask her.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

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