WAR FOR ST. GEORGE: Letters From the Field, Vol. XV – “Never Say Die”

Patrick James Porter, St. George 2nd Infantry
12:30 a.m. Sunday, June 14, 2015

Dearest Gabriella,

Patrick-James-PorterAs I write this, my love, my hands are trembling with both anger and resolve at the news the Registrar of Voters has capriciously declared our petition null, claiming we stand 71 signatures shy of the needed one-quarter of voters within the borders of our dear land of St. George.

Our unflinching leaders, like Col. Lionel Rainey, have vowed to fight on and challenge this pronouncement with every means at our disposal, including our reserve legal troops.

Major Woody proved he has no qualms about getting in the mud, in wretched holes, and slogging it out, not withdrawing until he has shot his last load of musket balls.

Col. Rainey has said that every option is on the table. The men and I are hoping he and the rest of our leaders call on Major Woody Jenkins to lead a charge at the Registrar of Voters to keep the fight for St. George’s freedom alive, for we are more than willing to follow Major Woody and his firm determination. Our righteous cause desperately needs a Major Woody right now to implore our troops to stand tall, thrust forward, penetrate the enemy where we can really hurt them, and bring them to their knees.

Major Woody earned his stripes nearly 20 years ago when he valiantly fought Mary the Hun to the bitter end in the fight for Bennett-Johnstonville. When it comes to fighting on the legal front with bureaucrats charged with voter rolls, Major Woody proved he has no qualms about getting in the mud, in wretched holes, and slogging it out, not withdrawing until he has shot his last load of musket balls.

I ask that you pray our leaders do the right thing and encharge Major Woody with heading this crucial assault. At times like this, we need someone cocky like Major Woody.

Your Forever,


Nathan Gregory Hunter, Baton Rouge 1st Cavalry
5:30 a.m. Monday, June 15, 2015

Dearest Ophelia,

Nathan-Gregory-HunterI am confident by now you have learned about the much vaunted St. George petition effort being rendered impotent. This is the news, my darling, we have all been waiting to hear since this rebellion began many moons ago!

Nevertheless, I feel it necessary to temper our jubilation with the caveat that we have been fighting a bunch of rebellious scalawags consumed with seditious hubris who are, therefore, most likely too proud to admit and accept defeat. This is especially true considering they only needed a handful of a dozen more John Hancocks to fight on til the fall.

Many of us are on guard for an offensive to be led, perhaps, by St. George’s very own master fighter of lost causes, Major Woody Jenkins.

I suspect rather strongly they will not concede and lay down their war-worn arms simply because the Registrar of Voters has declared they are 71 bona fide signatures shy of the requisite number to maintain their ill-fated insurrection.

We fully anticipate a shameful last gasp, including unrelenting fire from a battery of lawyers, from the enemy before we can finally declare total victory. As they say, desperate times call for desperate measures, and these boys surely reek of desperation, which is why many of us are on guard for an offensive to be led, perhaps, by St. George’s very own master fighter of lost causes, Major Woody Jenkins.

So until these stubborn scoundrels are ultimately forced to accept the demise of their foolhardy endeavor, please pray that the men and I weather unscathed the enemy’s inevitable unprincipled attacks. They have nothing to lose, save what little remains of their honor.

All My Love,

About Editorial Staff

Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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WAR FOR ST. GEORGE: Letters From the Field, Vol. XVII – “The War Is Over. For Now.”

It would seem I and the rest of the men out here are coming home, but sadly, not for the reason we had so long and vehemently fought and prayed, my love.