JUNE HORRORSCOPES: Sometimes Your Dad’s Not So Bad

HorrorscopesJune has arrived and brought with it all sorts of ungodly heat. Beyond the heat, there is little to look forward to in June aside from Flag Day and Father’s Day.

Flag Day celebrates June 14, 1777, the day the U.S. adopted the design of its current flag. That’s really it.

“What happened today?”

“We picked this one.”

Father’s Day, on the other hand, serves a far more important purpose. It’s the day we commemorate a choice we had no say in, that being who our fathers are.

People’s opinions of their fathers are usually on one end or the other of the bell curve. They either think highly of them or lowly of them with very few opinions in the middle.

My own father was pretty excellent, with just enough dad humor and goofiness to provide for fond yet awkward memories. The whole family still lets out a little groan when he gets that camera out, let me tell you.

Guys like these make you thankful for the one you were saddled with.

Then there is the other side of the paternal road, the side with all the dads who get kind of glossed over when it comes to small talk. Guys like these make you thankful for the one you were saddled with.

Happy Father’s Day, folks!

josh-duggerGEMINI (May 22-June 21): Josh Duggar — The oldest of his parent’s children and the first step in a journey of a thousand miles, Josh Duggar has three children with his wife, Anna. He recently resigned from the Family Research Council after admitting he researched members of his own family without their permission.

David-wendy-Vitter-serious-sinCANCER (June 22-July 22): David Vitter — Father of four and a conservative Republican and defender of traditional marriage, Vitter called on Bill Clinton to resign after his affair with Monica Lewinsky, perhaps due to their emotional involvement. Vitter preferred to keep things professional when dealing with former D.C. madam Deborah Jeane Palfrey by having her prostitutes merely force him to wear diapers. He is currently seeking the Louisiana governorship.

Jerry_Sandusky-kidsLEO (July 23-Aug. 21): Jerry Sandusky — Gerald Arthur Sandusky is a retired football coach, although that is the second thing he is according to Wikipedia. He and his wife adopted six children and fostered many others.

Donnie-Swaggart-Stephen-Root
Stephen Root (right) wishes he was as hilarious as Donnie Swaggart (left).

VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 23): Jimmy Swaggart — Cousin of Jerry Lee Lewis, the Rev. Swaggart took a far darker path and became a televangelist before being defrocked for doing all the things he preached against for decades. Thankfully, his message of forgiveness kept his coffers full, and the 80-year-old media mogul can still be seen on television every Sunday morning. His son, Donnie Swaggart, is a minister in Baton Rouge and looks a lot like Stephen Root.

Simpson thanked the mother of two of his children by not murdering her and then writing a book about the details of what would have happened if he had actually murdered her.

pol_potLIBRA (Sept. 24-Oct. 23): Pol Pot — After multiple scholastic failures, Pol Pot became leader of the Khmer Rouge and totalitarian dictator of Cambodia. His daughter, Sar Patchata, was adopted by a diplomat after Pol Pot’s death in 1998 and married last year (Fun Fact: One of her wedding guests and former head of state Khieu Samphan is currently on trial for crimes against humanity).

Kevin-FederlineSCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 22): Kevin Federline — The second husband of former pop idol Britney Spears, Federline was at one point a backup dancer and then a form of rapper before most recently appearing as an ironic ice sculpture in a Jack in the Box commercial. He currently has six children among three women.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): O.J. Simpson — A former football player and actor, Simpson thanked the mother of two of his children by not murdering her and then writing a book about the details of what would have happened if he had actually murdered her.

Sand-GobyCAPRICORN (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): The sand goby — The male sand goby protects the eggs in his nest until he gets bored. Then, to hasten things along, he eats the largest eggs, since they take the longest to mature, thus allowing all the smaller eggs to hatch so he can leave the nest and go back to mating.

Desmond-HatchettAQUARIUS (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Desmond Hatchett — Mr. Hatchett has only resided on the planet Earth for 30 years, but this hasn’t stopped him from getting busy. When last in court relating to child support charges for his 24 known children from a confirmed minimum of 11 mothers, he bemoaned his plight, stating, “I had four kids in the same year. Twice.” Half of his minimum-wage paycheck is garnished for child support, averaging about $2 per child per month by some accounts. A three-pack of Trojan Lubricated Ribbed (for her pleasure) condoms averages $1.89.

Genghis Khan left so many illegitimate heirs that today, a scant 750 years later, 1 in 200 men carry Y chromosomes full of his DNA.

AA-Milne-Christopher-RobinPISCES (Feb. 20-Mar. 20): A.A. Milne — A noted playwright and poet before Winnie-the-Pooh overshadowed every other sentence he ever wrote (I mean, good God, that bear is on diaper wipes), Milne based the work on the toys of his son Christopher Robin. As an unhappy adult, Christopher referred to his father as having “…got where he was by climbing on my infant shoulders, that he had filched from me my good name and left me nothing but empty fame.”

Not racist. John Wayne was a descendant of Genghis Khan.
Not racist. John Wayne was a descendant of Genghis Khan.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 20): Genghis Khan — After raping and pillaging his way across the known world, Genghis Khan left so many illegitimate heirs that today, a scant 750 years later, 1 in 200 men carry Y chromosomes full of his DNA. He also had a cameo in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, wherein he trashed a sporting goods store.

Jindal-2014-Christmas-Card-CamouflageTAURUS (Apr. 21-May 21): Piyush “Bobby” Jindal — Although aware he was leaving his state to his three children, Gov. Jindal fostered an elaborate fantasy for himself wherein sticking to the concept of wrecking the state budget in favor of keeping a single promise not to raise taxes while in office would allow him to become president. This can be compared with Charles J. Guiteau walking up to President James Garfield at a railway station and declaring he wanted to be ambassador to France, then shooting the president when he was laughed off.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

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Knick Moore
Knick Moore hasn't been a smoker since 2007. However, this picture is just too stylish to replace.

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