WAR FOR ST. GEORGE: Letters From the Field, Vol. XIV – “Cease-fire”

James Warren Zeringue, St. George 1st Infantry
9:45 p.m. Thursday, May 28, 2015

Dearest Emma,

James-Warren-ZeringueI pray this correspondence finds you and my BMW in good health. Oh, how I miss driving both of you home every night!

As I write this, the men and I are in the midst of a halt in the fighting against our oppressors to the north. Our brave leaders have launched our voluminous second volley of petition signatures to the Registrar of Voters, so now the only thing we can do is wait out the verification process.

While a cease-fire may sound nice, especially compared to the horrors of fighting against our foes from Baton Rouge, it is proving to be rather tedious. Of course, I should not complain about boredom, but rather be thankful we are not under attack by the enemy, what with their terrible weaponry.

A Baton Rouge combatant lobbed a dreaded race grenade at his feet. The racial charge went off right in front of him. Poor feller never knew what hit him.

Why, just a few weeks ago, the fighting had become nothing short of barbaric. I watched my buddy Charlie get his legs blown to shreds after a Baton Rouge combatant lobbed a dreaded race grenade at his feet. The racial charge went off right in front of him. Poor feller never knew what hit him until he came to on the surgeon’s table getting his sinewy thighs hewn off into nubs with an LSU hacksaw from Goodwood Hardware. His trophy wife will surely leave him for that tennis pro now.

Please pray our leaders are not beguiling us when they say we have collected sufficient signatures to secure our liberty. And please be sure to get the oil changed in my BMW.

Love You Both,
Jim

 

Joshua Landry Hollis, Baton Rouge 2nd Cavalry
7:30 p.m. Thursday, May 28, 2015

Dearest Marlene,

Joshua-Landry-HollisAt least for now, and hopefully for good, the fighting has thankfully lulled as a de facto cease-fire is in effect following the St. George rebels’ final petition signature surge.

After nearly a year and a half of open hostilities, both sides are enjoying a bit of a respite, although I am sure the scoundrels of St. George are sweating much more than we are, and not just from the early summer sun.

They are undoubtedly fretting over whether they will have a sufficient number of signatures to resume this cretinous endeavor to secede. Their braggadocian leaders may boast of more-than-adequate John Hancocks. However, if past is prologue, many of them have been ill-gotten by less-than-honorable means and shall be rightfully repudiated as invalid.

Their braggadocian leaders may boast of more-than-adequate John Hancocks. However, if past is prologue, many of them have been ill-gotten by less-than-honorable means.

In the meantime, many of our troops are taking advantage of the abeyance in conflict and enjoying productions like Mad Max Fury Road nearby in our newly annexed land of Mall of Louisiana. Word is, the show depicts a futuristic hellscape created by the successful incorporation of St. George.

If nothing else, it should certainly galvanize our resolve to fight on against their sedition if hostilities once again flare up. Nevertheless, I remain confident we will soon be reunited after the petition proves wanting for bona fide signatures.

Until then, remember that I am…

Yours Forever,
Josh

About Editorial Staff

Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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WAR FOR ST. GEORGE: Letters From the Field, Vol. XVII – “The War Is Over. For Now.”

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