It’s Time to Wrangle Adult Penis

Very recently, a case made the local news of a transgender woman (a person born with male sex organs who identifies as female) who worked in the café of the 19th Judicial District Courthouse and wanted to be allowed access to the women’s bathroom facilities. The woman has been allowed access to a private bathroom on a separate floor but denied access to the public women’s facilities on the grounds that she still has male sex organs and is marked as male on her driver’s license.

Before we get going, I’m not trying to make light of transgender people. That’s not to say that there aren’t those who have already decided that I am and are mentally preparing their rants for the comments section. Not every commentary mentioning your personal issue is the hill you have to die on, nor is it a direct attack on you personally, blah blah blah.

Transgender people live a nightmare that no one who is not transgender can understand. Imagine feeling exactly the way you do about your sex identity right now but you’re in the opposite sex’s body. That’s it in a nutshell. Despite the mountains of discussion about what “gender” means, that’s the easiest way to explain it.

I understand.

OK, I don’t understand. I get it. I can never understand, because I’m not transgender. You can’t give me shit about how I was born. Doesn’t that sound familiar?

Anyway, I get her point. “I’m a woman. You understand that. But you won’t let me use the women’s bathroom, so you don’t really understand.”

We have some pretty long strides that need to be made before you’ll be able to convince a man who believes the planet is only 6,000 years old that it’s OK for a guy in a dress to pee next to his daughter.

The argument is that everyone else doesn’t understand where the individual is coming from, so they all have to change the way they think to suit the person’s identity.

This is Louisiana. We have some pretty long strides that need to be made before you’ll be able to convince a man who believes the planet is only 6,000 years old that it’s OK for a guy in a dress to pee next to his daughter.

It’s a broad jump in the understanding of concepts. Have you seen what passes for information on Fox News?! There are people all over who buy every word of it as gospel. They will never, ever, everevereverevereverever understand it. Not going to happen.

So, what do we do? How do you put an end to bathroom discrimination in a country that thinks its own genitals are tools of the devil, much less anyone else’s?

Simple: You create two unisex bathrooms in place of “male” and “female” ones.

Why two? Well, one is for everybody, and the other is only for children under 13, their adult escorts, teen girls, and women who are uncomfortable peeing with the rest of the grown-ups.

Again, I get it. Women can get understandably uncomfortable around strange dick, and who’s to say guys wouldn’t just hang out in there all day, waiting for women to come in and see them standing at the urinal with their cocks out? There are guys doing that in men’s rooms right now in the hopes a woman walks in the wrong door.

It seems that the only people anyone really has trouble peeing around are adult males. You’re on one side of that coin or the other. Either you don’t like doing it, or you really like doing it.

Guys can get weird in bathrooms just being normal guys. It’s true. So, there’s another option.

Honestly, it seems that the only people anyone really has trouble peeing around are adult males. You’re on one side of that coin or the other. Either you don’t like doing it, or you really like doing it.

Women, for the most part, don’t. However, I know a few butch lesbians who would happily beat a straight man in a pissing contest.

Guys don’t really care. Were it allowed, we’d pee all over the place.

But the age restriction on the “everybody else” bathroom addresses another unsung group with no interest in seeing adult male dick, that being boys.

I was never really cool with peeing in public bathrooms and seeing the nightmare that my genitals were headed for. You can’t avoid it as a kid. They’re everywhere and at eye level. They looked like what would happen if my kid dick was smashed into the door of a microwave and then nuked for 25 seconds. Plus hair.

I can’t imagine women have to deal with anything close to this scenario as girls. “Hey, here’s some random old vagina! Horrifying, isn’t it? Well, don’t be weird about it; you’re headed for this.”

So one bathroom is pretty much “everybody can use” and the other is restricted to “everyone except penis age 13 and older who isn’t a father with his kid.” I know 13 seems a little arbitrary, but the cutoff has to happen before him whipping out his junk isn’t just something most people would laugh at.

Men’s restrooms are horrendous. The nicest bathroom I’ve ever seen was in the Grand Spa at the Rome Cavalieri Waldorf Astoria in Italy, and even that was kind of a shithole.

“But I identify as female.” Great! Use the everybody bathroom. No questions asked. You’re just a woman using one of the bathrooms women are allowed to use.

“But I want to use the “penis under 13” bathroom.” Do you have a penis at least 13 years of age? Then no, you can’t use it.

“But that isn’t really accepting me as a woman.” No, it isn’t, but you’re going to need to change the way you think about bathrooms. It’s not “men” and “women.” It’s “adult penis” and “not adult penis.”

It’s not sex discrimination. It’s now discrimination based on adult, genetic, genital function. It’s “old penis” discrimination. Only people with old penis are not allowed into one of the bathrooms. No matter what your gender identity is, the only limit is old penis.

“But I don’t want to pee in there.”

Neither do I. Men’s restrooms are horrendous. The nicest bathroom I’ve ever seen was in the Grand Spa at the Rome Cavalieri Waldorf Astoria in Italy, and even that was kind of a shithole.

But it’s either that or I try to get away with peeing outside (widely frowned upon), or I hold it until I get to a location I prefer. The end.

No matter your gender identity, you have to admit, adult penis has fucked this planet right up. This is just an attempt to account for it and keep it away from the innocents. I’m in that boat too, sister.

That’s one thing that hard-line Muslim countries get right. There are separate sections in restaurants for single adult penis — not to keep them from the impossible-to-ignore allure of the women but to keep these unaccounted-for wangs away from families.

Adult penis has fucked this planet right up. This is just an attempt to account for it and keep it away from the innocents. I’m in that boat too, sister.

You can’t trust unattended adult penis. It’s always a little spooky when it’s alone. You never see two guys cruising in a van together with a bag of candy and a puppy that obviously doesn’t want to be there.

Is it a perfect solution? Hell no. But in a country as hung up on sexual identity as we are, there are going to have to be baby steps before the unwashed masses get the concept of gender identity having nothing to do with genital identity.

Which is another benefit of the unisex bathroom: letting people with no concept that not everybody is on either end of the Kinsey scale come to terms with their sexual identity in a semipublic way without feeling they’re out of place. Some transgender kid in a farming community with no access to more enlightened points of view doesn’t have to feel weird every time she walks into the “men’s” restroom. She can take a leak in the “bathroom” without feeling that it has anything to do with who she is.

Did you read this far without hitting the comments section? Here, have a cookie. Now, I’m going to go pee in an awful bathroom.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Knick Moore

Knick Moore hasn't been a smoker since 2007. However, this picture is just too stylish to replace.

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