50 Shades of Rape


Normally, I’m not a big pro-rape kind of guy. That being said, there comes a point when stupidity should have consequences. Getting tricked into sex is a form of rape, because it prevents informed consent. Still, when it comes to allowing folks to plug their genitalia into yours, there’s a certain onus on you to perform your bare minimum due diligence, isn’t there?

So, here’s what happened. In France, an objectively ugly older guy grabbed the photo of a much younger, much less fugly guy and used it to create his dating profile. He then corresponded with gullible women and talked about how he was really into this 50 Shades of Grey fantasy he had where he’d meet a woman on the first date, in the dark, and have sex with her.

Two victims reported similar tales. They arrived at a dark apartment, were instructed to put on blindfolds, had sex with the blindfolds on, and later realized they’d just diddled Mr. Magoo rather than Mr. Grey.

Well, duh. If you meet some guy online and he insists that it’d be “fun” if y’all could exchange bodily fluids before you actually lock eyes on one another, there’s probably a good reason for it.

I bet right up until the moment the first victim showed up at his door, he figured she’d wise up, think things through, and insist on at least a glimpse of him before letting him have all of her. Apparently not.

Now, as I said at the outset, I’m generally not pro-rape. This one, I must admit, requires such absurd gullibility, it’s difficult for me to fault the guy. I can almost imagine the first time he tried it, probably after a horny brainstorming session.

Those first exchanges had to have surprised him. He couldn’t have truly thought it would work. I bet right up until the moment the first victim showed up at his door, he figured she’d wise up, think things through, and insist on at least a glimpse of him before letting him have all of her.

Apparently not.

So, in the interest of public safety, I’ve assembled a few other “red flags” you lovely ladies (and fellers, what the hell — it’s not like men are the only predators and women the only prey) should watch out for.

  • He emphasizes that he thinks it’s very important for the man to always go grab the woman her drink from the bar while she stays back in the booth.
  • He says he has so much money from his family inheritance that he likes to always drive in a cheap-looking car to avoid attention and the danger of kidnapping.
  • He insists that the first date be to attend a costume ball, or a furry convention, in character.
  • He asks you about your drug allergies before you meet.
  • He says he’s really into nature and a bit of an eco-activist, so your first date should be in one of the patches of brush growing right by the Mississippi River so y’all can explore the biodiversity of that isolated habitat.
  • He wants to pick you up with several of his male friends and do a triple-date. Their girlfriends will meet y’all at the venue.
  • He asks you for your license plate number so he can “recognize your car when you get there.”
  • He says he wants to go out in the wilderness with you because he works for Disney and they’re scouting land to build a new theme park.
  • He tells you that he once testified against mobsters and often has to disguise his appearance when he’s in public, so don’t be alarmed if he appears older or fatter than his photo. It’s just for safety.
  • He says he can’t wait to meet you, but psychic powers run in his family, and it’s traditional that his mother perform a “reading” on anyone he dates — so she’ll need to be there for the first date. Not that she’ll get in the way or anything, he promises. She’s a professional and very discreet.

Remember, rape is never the victim’s fault. But if you allow yourself to have sex with someone without ever looking at him, you’re either enjoying a glory hole at a rest stop, or you’re so gullible that you’re probably going to live your entire life as a victim.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Jared Kendall

Jared Kendall
A freelance data journalist and father of two, Jared Kendall has been using comedy as a coping mechanism his entire life. Born a Yankee, Jared's twenty-year stint in Baton Rouge still leaves him with one question: "Why'd I move here, again?"

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