Mothers Rush to Compete With Baltimore’s “Mom of the Year”

FeatureToya Graham has been hailed by many as “Mother of the Year” for beating her 16-year-old son after seeing him throwing rocks at Baltimore police during the city’s recent Freddie Gray protests. The viral video of Graham smacking her masked son about the head seemed to provide most Americans with a small bit of levity — and dare I say positivity — in one of the darker hours in the long history of a major American city.

Literally overnight, millions of people saw the mudhole stomping. Graham was interviewed by CBS News, applauded by the Baltimore Police Commissioner, and complimented on her parenting by no less than the White House. The internet at large declared her a hero we can believe in, and even her son admitted on TV that he needed his ass beaten. Then again, if my mama smacked me like that, so would I.

However, it seems Graham’s biggest accomplishment is the trend seen taking place this week in West Baltimore in the aftermath of her viral celebrity.

Mothers from all walks of life in the Baltimore area are slowly but steadily crowding the streets, accompanied by their children. They are here, probably not queer, and they mean fucking business, Jack. They will carry Toya Graham’s message louder and further and with more persistence, they say, until at least one of them gets to meet CBS’ Scott Pelley or gets her own reality show.

Not content to be upstaged by Graham, who used only her open hand to attack her child, these mothers brought not only their children of various ages but also rubber hoses, rubber bullets, prison shanks, and, in one case, the deadly nerve gas sarin.

“If I’d have known whooping my kids could get me the good kind of famous, I’d have beat their asses in public a long time ago.”

“We just wanna get some of that viral video action, you know?” Sharon Streeter said as she slung a rocket-propelled grenade launcher on her shoulder and aimed it at her 11-year-old across the street. “If I’d have known whooping my kids could get me the good kind of famous, I’d have beat their asses in public a long time ago,” the mother of three added.

Between shooting a barrage of rubber bullets at her two small, crying children, third-grade teacher Denise Washington agreed.

“I’m hoping that CNN truck is still around here, ‘cause I really like that Anderson Cooper,” Washington stated.

Harriet Wintz, a middle-age mom of four teen boys, chimed in, “I was looking for a real showstopper. I mean, shanking your kid? Come on, that’s weak bullshit. That’s why I brought the sarin gas. You can’t show up and be best at abusing your kids without a little something extra … Jimmy Wayne Wintz! Don’t fucking make me open up this gas early! Hit your brother again, and I will kill you and eat your fucking dog!! … I’m sorry, where was I? Oh yeah! When it comes to child discipline, I say you got to go balls to the wall.”

Later, Kelly duPont arrived with two 8-year-old daughters in tow and expressed some disappointment in how child discipline is looked upon these days in the U.S.

“I came here to show Baltimore, and hopefully America and Dr. Phil, that I’m proud to be the type of mom who cares enough to fight for her kids, but if necessary, also fight her kids. I don’t know where America started going wrong, but I bet it was around the time we stopped being OK with beating kids with socks full of nickels,” duPont said.

We reached out to Toya Graham for comment, but she did not respond to our inquiries regarding other mothers following her ass-kicking lead. However, she did get 4,000 new Twitter followers while you were reading this.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Stephanie Landry

Stephanie Landry is a lover, not a fighter, with the exception of some inanimate objects. Sing out to her here, or stand at her window with your boombox blasting your mixtape. Either way.

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