WAR FOR ST. GEORGE: Letters From the Field, Vol. XIII – “Major Woody Pulls Out”

William Pershing Staggs, St. George 2nd Cavalry
6:45 a.m. Saturday, April 18, 2015

Dearest Charmaine,

William-Pershing-StaggsBy now, my love, I am certain you have learned about our unfortunate setbacks on the petition signature front. Our brave leaders continue to tell us to fret not about that battle, insisting we shall prove victorious in that theater before next month draws to a close.

The struggle to hold fast to my faith in the encouraging words of Col. Lionel Rainey is proving all the more difficult with the news that Major Woody Jenkins has withdrawn from his engagement against the formidable Mary Olive Pierson, despite Major Woody’s promise to stand tall, plunge headlong, and fight the lawless annexation of our former territory at the Mall of Louisiana.

It is disheartening to learn of Major Woody’s untimely collapse and his decision to pitch his tent elsewhere.

Yes, it would appear Mary Olive jumped on the formerly cocksure Major Woody and put him in a stranglehold until he could no longer rise to the occasion.

I would be less than truthful if I said many of us in camp did not expect the mercenary to stare Major Woody in the eye and beat him mercilessly.

Nevertheless, it is disheartening to learn of Major Woody’s untimely collapse and his decision to pitch his tent elsewhere. It pains me to write these words, but Major Woody has let us all down.

Please pray our petition signature offensive does not fall short like Major Woody.

Always Yours,
Bill

 

Christopher Gregory Ellis, Baton Rouge 3rd Infantry
5:45 a.m. Sunday, April 19, 2015

Dearest Marjorie,

Christopher-Gregory-EllisWith every sunrise and sunset, my darling, we draw one day closer to the day of reckoning for the paltry petition push of those scalawags of St. George, and, hopefully, the end of this rebellion.

Also with each day it seems good news comes our way! Why, just yesterday we learned that our ferocious Mary Olive Pierson had scared the lifeblood out of St. George’s Major Woody Jenkins!

Yes, despite his turgid rhetoric, Major Woody collapsed and withdrew from his ill-advised engagement. It would appear Major Woody just couldn’t keep it up and finally gave up the ghost.

Despite his turgid rhetoric, Major Woody collapsed and withdrew from his ill-advised engagement.

This victory was not unexpected. We knew all along that not even Major Woody could stand up to Mary Olive Pierson.

Nonetheless, Major Woody’s prodigious flop reaffirms our belief that Providence is on our side, and that it is merely a matter of time before our victory is manifest for the world to see.

When you hit your knees tonight and pray that we are soon safely together again, as I know you do each and every night, my love, be sure to thank the Lord for making Major Woody pull out.

Yours Forever,
Chris

About Editorial Staff

Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

Check Also

WAR FOR ST. GEORGE: Letters From the Field, Vol. XVII – “The War Is Over. For Now.”

It would seem I and the rest of the men out here are coming home, but sadly, not for the reason we had so long and vehemently fought and prayed, my love.