Botched Bollards

by Benjamin Burdette Hurst

After yet another day of bollard misadventures in Baton Rouge, state Rep. Paul Hollis had had just about enough.

On the first day of the 2015 legislative session, Hollis’ $70,000 Audi A8 received a Cassius Clay-like uppercut from the freshman bollards strategically placed throughout the State Capitol complex to thwart any plutonium-crazed microbus terrorist looking to resolve the legislature’s budgetary woes by reducing both chambers and the 31-story edifice to smoldering pond scum.

Successive erection failures were exhibited Tuesday and Wednesday as the bollards failed to perform. On Friday, the bollards claimed another victim when they turned a legislative staffer’s Nissan Maxima into a lowrider.

Louisiana-state-capitol-bollard-nissan-maxima“This is really frustrating,” Hollis said. “You’d expect satisfaction from these things, not a broken hand and a concussion. These things should raise and lower as promised. Such infecundity is a bitter disappointment.”

State Sen. J.P. Morrell was quick to follow up on his proposed measure that would tackle Governor Bobby Jindal’s call to reduce “corporate welfare.”

“These bollard people should be the first ones tested for drugs.”

“Here’s a great example of what my bill will address,” Morrell explained. “This is a $4.8 million system … well, actually, you can tack on another $70,000 for Paul’s car.”

Morrell added, “These bollard people should be the first ones tested for drugs. Show ’em we mean business.”

Throughout the day Wednesday, the Capitol’s thoroughfares were monitored by officers from the Department of Public Safety and State Police troopers.

House Speaker Pro Tempore Walt Leger, gazing over at the troopers watching legislators’ comings and goings, quipped, “It might have been a whole lot cheaper to hire gunslingers to protect each legislator, just like back in the days of Huey Long. Of course, you’d just hope in Hollis’ case, those armed guards aren’t more effective than those bollards.”RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

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