There is so much more to April than just its May-flower-bringing showers. For instance, it begins with the amateur hour of pranksters, April Fools’ Day. The only thing close to the ire year-round pranksters feel on April 1 is the way heavy drinkers feel on St. Patrick’s or New Year’s.
“Oh, great. Yes, the best way to approach something you don’t do any other time of year is to really overdo it beyond your natural capacity.”
Like punishing a dog for crapping in the house, you need to shove their nose in it while it’s still warm.
The only way to dissuade these fools from April-ing it up again next year is to break their spirits while the memory of this year’s shenanigans is still fresh. Like punishing a dog for crapping in the house, you need to shove their nose in it while it’s still warm.
Here, I offer you a variety of soul-crushing pranks to ensure your next April 1 goes by without hassle.
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 20): Put a rubber band around the button on the sprayer by the kitchen sink. Then unscrew the sprayer hose from the sink and fill it with stale urine. Screw it back and wait for the excitement.
TAURUS (Apr. 21-May 21): When you’re out to eat, ask your friend if he knows that ketchup gives off heat when you mix salt in it. Pour a hefty amount of ketchup on a bread plate and sprinkle it liberally with salt. Then, stir it together while sneaking a couple of thumbtacks in. Wave your hand over the puddle and nod confidently before scooting the plate toward him. When he waves his hand over the ketchup, slap it down. Initially, the mess will distract him from the pain of the tacks, until he starts mopping it off his hands and has to pry them out. That’s when the panic starts.
GEMINI (May 22-June 21): Alternatively, you can dump ketchup in your hand and start screaming about how you’ve cut yourself while holding your hand and a steak knife in the air. When your friend shows concern, slap him across the face with your ketchup hand.
CANCER (June 22-July 22): Cover the toilet with clear plastic wrap. Then, shit directly into the middle of the plastic wrap so it looks like it’s floating in midair. There’s water in your toilet for a reason.
Flick lit matches at him until the fire wakes him up. As he slaps the flames out, he’ll be covering himself in shaving cream. What a mess!
LEO (July 23-Aug. 21): Make a dribble glass by pushing a pin through a Styrofoam cup right at the lip and putting the cup back in the stack by the coffee pot. Leave the pin in the cup and coat it with the potent neurotoxin of the fugu. The victim will dribble all the way to poison control.
VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 23): If you have a chronic dozer in your office, spray some shaving cream in his hand while he’s napping. Then spray him liberally with lighter fluid. Flick lit matches at him until the fire wakes him up. As he slaps the flames out, he’ll be covering himself in shaving cream. What a mess!
LIBRA (Sept. 24-Oct. 23): Print up business cards with nothing but your victim’s phone number on them and leave them everywhere you go. Humans are curious animals. Especially kids, criminals, potential stalkers, the elderly, etc. Dropping them around a bar, playground, nursing home, or rest stop is probably your best road to results.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 22): Turn off the water to the toilet tank and flush it to empty it out. Then fill the tank with blood. Any blood will do. Next time he flushes the toilet, blood will pour out and convince him that the end is nigh. Be waiting outside the bathroom with a stack of Chick religious tracts (available from Chick.com or the screaming nutbags outside of Planned Parenthood) to tell him to repent or burn in hell.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Cover your victim’s car with Post-It notes in a variety of pastel colors. Affix each Post-It with a tiny dot of Super Glue. When he goes to pull off all the tiny notes, it will leave little dots of color all over his car, turning it into a rolling Georges Seurat masterpiece.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Don’t replace the salt with sugar. Instead, replace it with crushed miraculin tablets (available at most health stores). This glycoprotein will block his ability to taste bitter substances, thus negating the chance he detects the potent laxatives you’ve added to his coffee.
Affix each Post-It with a tiny dot of Super Glue. When he goes to pull off all the tiny notes, it will leave little dots of color all over his car, turning it into a rolling Georges Seurat masterpiece.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Flip a paper cup upside down and write “Do not lift! Beetle inside!” and leave it where a coworker will see it. In reality, you will have placed a tarantula ($24.99 at PetSmart) underneath. You may need to duct tape the edges to keep it from moving.
PISCES (Feb. 20-Mar. 20): Walk up behind your mark and pretend to sneeze while simultaneously spraying him with a misting bottle. Show it to him when he turns around, and he’ll laugh and laugh. Prepare for this by spitting into a misting bottle you keep by your workspace for a week.