WAR FOR ST. GEORGE: Letters From the Field, Vol. XII – “Unfair Tactics”

Nathan Thomas Wells, St. George 1st Infantry
7:30 p.m. Saturday, March 7, 2015

Dearest Audrey,

Nathan-Thomas-WellsNever during the past year while I’ve been away from home fighting for St. George’s liberation from our oppressors in Baton Rouge have I wanted so much to be back home with you, along with our bitchin’ entertainment center.

That is because we have received reports that the dastardly enemy has been engaging in an abominable war for the hearts and minds of the citizenry of our beloved land, promulgating lies and threats in a desperate attempt to intimidate and break the will of noncombatants who have pledged their loyalty to us.

These handbills contain sensitive, personal information that only a person with knowledge accessible to the public could know.

Yes, my love, the craven opposition has resorted to spreading perfidious propaganda urging the fine, upstanding citizens of St. George to renege on their solemn vow to support our cause of liberty by removing their signatures from our revered petition.

Word is they have commissioned couriers to deliver to our denizens handbills purporting each family would be required to pay substantially more taxes in a free St. George. “Hogwash!” is what Col. Lionel Rainey retorts to those claims!

Furthermore, these handbills contain sensitive, personal information that only a person with knowledge accessible to the public could know.

If you happen to receive one of these bills, for heaven’s sake, keep your eyes and ears covered, darling, and remember to wear your chastity belt. Let not the enemy penetrate your resolve, nor your lady parts.

I shall return home soon enough to be with you to binge-watch the latest season of “House of Cards.”

Yours Forever,
Nate

 

Francis Henry Leblanc, Baton Rouge 2nd Infantry
5:30 a.m. Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Dearest Penelope,

Francis-Henry-LeblancMy heart is bursting with excitement at the news this war may finally be drawing to an end rather soon, my dear!

Scouts with our Better Together regiment report they are confident the enemy has gathered an insufficient number of petition signatures to continue waging this seditious rebellion we have been fighting to quell for well over a year now.

Scouts with our Better Together regiment report they are confident the enemy has gathered an insufficient number of petition signatures to continue waging this seditious rebellion.

They explained their reconnoitering methods and their fancy ciphering to us. I am not sure how many of our soldiers grasped, or even cared, how they came to their conclusion that the forces of St. George are on the brink of collapse.

Like me, the men only hope and pray the Better Together highbrows are right, or else those eggheads may very well end up with egg on their faces and boot leather in their posteriors, courtesy of some homesick, war-weary, and utterly disappointed men.

All My Love,
Hank

About Editorial Staff

Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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WAR FOR ST. GEORGE: Letters From the Field, Vol. XVII – “The War Is Over. For Now.”

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